Cryptonews

And hold onto your digital wallets because crypto analyst Ali Martinez-yes, *the* Ali Martinez-just dropped some knowledge bombs on X post (because where else would you drop them?). He says XRP might be gearing up for a breakout so big, even Hollywood couldn’t script it better. 🍿🎬 Apparently, after doing some bullish retesting that probably involved more charts than an eye doctor’s office, traders are starting to get hopeful. Hopeful enough to dream about $3.60, at least. 💭📈

By month’s end, this new dollar twin-mUSD-might be sprouting wings, ready to take flight. Over 30 million folks have filed their monthly love letters (or complaints), and MetaMask is diligently working with Bridge, the financial sidekick (bought by Stripe, remember?), to get this show on the road, along with M^0, because why not sprinkle some protocol in the mix?

The filing occurred on August 12, 2025-a date that will surely be etched into the annals of crypto history alongside such monumental events as… well, let’s face it, no one remembers those dates anyway. But Grayscale’s modus operandi remains unchanged: form Delaware trusts first, then throw them at the SEC like spaghetti against a wall. 🍝

And don’t get me started on that last hour! Price swings, resistance at $2.94 slams NEAR in the face like an automatic door that doesn’t open. Volume at 15:09 goes berserk-396,000 traded in a single minute. Settles down, price flattens out, the excitement fizzles like bad seltzer. You could almost hear the collective sigh: “Eh, maybe tomorrow.” 🍹

These long-haulers (or Long-term Holders-LTHs, if you want to sound fancy) are the puppet masters of the market, twirling the strings of SHIB with a mere flick. Whether they toss their tokens into the wind or cling to them like a squirrel with a nut depends on whether the coin gets a boost or takes a scratchy tumble.

Today, dear readers, Pump.fun decided to sprinkle some fairy dust (or perhaps a more substantial form of magic) on its native token, PUMP. In just four hours, the platform bought back 175.3 million PUMP, which, in the grand scheme of things, amounts to about $705,000. Not bad for a quick afternoon stroll through the crypto market, eh?

The most notable development, dear reader, is the record-low Ethereum supply on exchanges, a state of affairs that suggests investors have taken a cue from Lady Catherine de Bourgh and resolved to hold fast. This scarcity, coupled with the relentless pursuit of institutional buyers, has created a scenario where ETH’s price might yet defy gravity. One might almost believe the market is waltzing toward new pinnacles of wealth.

According to the U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ)-because apparently, they have nothing better to do-between 2018 and 2023, our dear Timothy was busy promoting a tax shelter scheme that was about as legitimate as a three-dollar bill. He was basically handing out get-out-of-jail-free cards for taxes. Who knew tax evasion could be a side hustle? 💁‍♀️

The Estimated Leverage Ratio has soared to its giddiest altitude since the halcyon days of 2020 when bored lockdown barons discovered both banana bread and 50× leverage. Pass the smelling salts.

Ah, Peter Thiel, the co-founder of PayPal and Palantir, has once again graced us with his investment prowess. This time, he’s thrown his lot in with ETHZilla, a company that has traded its lab coats for Ethereum wallets. According to a recent SEC filing-because who doesn’t love a good bureaucratic document?-Thiel and his entourage have acquired a 7.5% stake in ETHZilla, which currently holds a treasure trove of 82,186 ETH, valued at a jaw-dropping $349 million. And let’s not forget the additional $238 million in cash equivalents, because who doesn’t like a little extra pocket change? 💰