Finance
What to know (if you’ve been living under a rock):
- Kraken, that ol’ crypto octopus 🐙, just sucked up $500 million, now worth $15 billion. Investors include folks who probably still think “blockchain” is a type of yoga.
- They’re preppin’ for an IPO so delayed it’s basically the *Hitchcock of financial events*-dramatic, suspenseful, and everyone’s waiting for the scream.
- Sethi, Kraken’s part-time CEO (and full-time visionary?), bought NinjaTrader for $1.5B. Because nothing says “crypto future” like a 200-year-old futures platform! 💰
Well, gather ‘round, folks! That crypto barnacle Kraken just raised $500 million, and now it’s worth as much as a small island nation. Fortune says the IPO’s comin’ in 2026-mark your calendars, or don’t, ‘cause plans change faster than a cat’s mood. 🐱
No lead investor? No problem! Kraken rolled out the red carpet to cash-flush folks who probably forgot they invested. Sethi tossed in his own Tribe Capital, which is either genius or a pyramid scheme-jury’s out. 🤔
Built in 2011, Kraken survived on $27M of “startup coffee” till now. Last quarter, they raked in $411M-enough to buy a small island and still have change for a fleet of Teslas. 🏝️
Sethi’s been playin’ CEO Simon Says: bought NinjaTrader, added 2M customers, and now they’re crashin’ the traditional finance party. Rumor says he’s also teaching whales to count crypto coins. 🐋
But behind the curtain? Executives are leavin’ faster than roaches at a flashlight fight. Four big names exited stage left. Guess IPO prep’s about as fun as a root canal. 😬
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2025-09-26 16:12