Oh, sweet summer child, thinking China would suddenly be cool with crypto. Spoiler: They’re not. 🚨
Remember 2021? When China said, “Crypto? Not in my house!” Well, they’re back with a mic drop. 🎤 “Virtual currencies are illegal now, later, forever,” they declared. Because obviously, when you’re running the third-largest mining operation, you need a committee. Or five.
The All-Star Team of No Fun 🎉 Bands Together
Ministry of Public Security? Check. Supreme People’s Court? Check. This was the Avengers of bureaucracy, but instead of fighting Thanos, they’re fighting Bitcoin. 🦸♂️ “Crypto’s a threat!” they gasped. Said no one in Xinjiang’s secret Bitcoin spa ever. 🤫
The People’s Bank of China (PBoC) hissed, “Virtual currencies are NOT money. Don’t even think about it.” Meanwhile, someone’s mining rig is definitely overheating in a basement somewhere. 🔥
They also crushed rumors of a “crypto soft spot” harder than your ex crushes your soul. “Global price hype? Social media trends? Pfft. We’re not impressed,” they lied while Googling “how to unsee underground mining boom.” 🤓
Stablecoins: The ‘Chill’ Cryptos Getting Death Glared 🥶
Stablecoins? Oh, they thought they were safe. “Tied to fiat? Cute,” regulators sneered. “But do you meet our 50-page KYC checklist? Didn’t think so.” 💸
Money laundering, fraud, “underground payments” – China’s basically listing crimes from a Law & Order SVU episode. 🚔 “Stablecoins are a threat,” they warned. Said every central bank that’s ever existed. 🎯
Beijing’s logic: “Bitcoin’s wild? Stablecoins are worse. Because stability means they’ll actually work.” Ominous. Also, relatable. 😬
Underground Mining? More Like UnderGROUND Mining 🌍⛏️
China’s crypto ban: 10/10 for effort, 0/10 for execution. Xinjiang and Sichuan are mining Bitcoin like it’s 2017 and they’re Elon Musk. 🚀
“We’ve got surplus energy!” said no one in a Communist Party meeting. “Let’s mine Bitcoin instead of, I dunno, exporting it?” 🤷♂️ One miner told Reuters, “We’re basically using power plants as crypto snacks.” Crunchy.
Canaan Inc.? Their China sales went from “meh” to “hold my beer” in 3 years. 50% of global sales? That’s not a leak – it’s a firehose. 🔥
Hong Kong: The ‘Wild East’ of Crypto (Until Mom Cuts the Cord) 🎪🔚
Hong Kong’s like, “We’ll regulate crypto!” China’s like, “Nope. Also, stop tokenizing assets. Also, delete your crypto apps.” 👋
Beijing’s message: “You’re our rebellious teen. We’ll let you experiment… until you don’t.” 😒 Hong Kong’s response: “But why?” China: “Because I said so. Also, we’re watching.” 🕵️♀️
Digital Yuan: The Government’s Approved Hug Box 🤗
“Digital yuan? Safe! It’s like cash, but with 100% more surveillance!” 🎉
China’s logic: “If we can’t beat crypto, we’ll clone it… and make it boring. Also, track every transaction.” 🕵️♂️
Enforcement: Because ‘Forever’ Is Just a Word 💍
“Preventing crypto risks is our forever duty,” said officials. Meanwhile, a miner in Sichuan upgrades his GPU. 💪
China vs. West: “You regulate? We ban. You win? We’ll just… mine harder.” 🤷♀️
The Iron Fist Meets Digital Reality: A Love Story Gone Wrong 💔
China’s 2025 crackdown: “Strongest stance ever!” Also, 2021: “Strongest stance ever!” Also, 2023: “Strongest stance yet.” 🤦♀️
Verdict: “Crypto’s dead!” Said no one with a GPU under their bed. 🛏️
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2025-11-30 23:44