🤑 Tether’s CEO Roasts S&P: “You Forgot Our Gold & BTC Stash, Fools!” 🌚

Ah, the theater of finance! Behold, the noble Paolo Ardoino, CEO of the illustrious Tether, hath risen from his digital throne to smite the hapless S&P Global with words sharper than a tax auditor’s quill. “Fie upon thee, ratings agency!” he cried, “Hast thou forgotten our coffers overfloweth with treasures untold? Our assets, like a Gogol novel, are absurdly abundant!” 🧮✨

Lo, at the close of Q3 2025, Tether’s coffers swelled to a staggering $215 billion, while their stablecoin liabilities lingered at a mere $184.5 billion. “Behold,” Ardoino proclaimed, brandishing Tether’s attestation report like a holy relic, “we have $7 billion in excess equity, $23 billion in retained earnings, and profits that flow like a river of borscht! Yet S&P, in their infinite wisdom, hath ignored our grandeur!” 😤💰

“Tether had, at the end of Q3 2025, about $7 billion in excess equity, on top of the about $184.5 billion in stablecoin reserves, plus about another $23 billion in retained earnings as part of our Tether Group equity. And let us not forget the $500 million monthly bounty from Treasury yields-a sum so vast it could fund a dozen Nose-esque escapades!”

S&P, alas, hath downgraded USDt’s dollar-peg rating to “weak,” a label as fitting as a tailor’s mistake. Fear, uncertainty, and doubt spread like a Gogol protagonist’s neuroses, yet Ardoino remaineth unshaken. 🌪️💸

The Analysts’ Farce: A Comedy in Two Acts

Enter Arthur Hayes, the BitMEX bard, who doth speculate that Tether hoardeth gold and BTC like a dragon guarding its treasure. “As the Fed slashest rates,” he intoned, “these assets shall soar! Yet beware, a 30% plunge could render Tether insolvent-a tragedy worthy of Dead Souls!” 🏛️⚰️

But hark! Joseph Ayoub, former Citi sage, doth rebuke Hayes with the fervor of a bureaucrat defending his red tape. “Nay,” he declared, “Tether’s assets are as hidden as a Gogol character’s sanity! Their business, with but 150 souls, doth generate billions-a marvel more absurd than Akaky Akakievich’s obsession with his coat!” 🧥💼

And so, the drama unfurls-a tale of numbers, hubris, and the occasional golden goose. Will Tether’s empire stand, or shall it crumble like a poorly constructed bureaucratic farce? Only time, and perhaps a nosy inspector, shall tell. 🕰️🤡

2025-11-30 23:18

The Analysts’ Farce: A Comedy in Two Acts

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