Somewhere in the infinitely-unlikely multiverse, the NFT market giggled to itself and jumped by 10.44%, swelling up to an alarmingly spectacular $136.5 million. That’s two weeks in a row, just to prove it wasn’t a fluke, or an accounting error caused by an over-caffeinated Vogon intern.
Apparently, consensus reality decided to join the fun, with Bitcoin’s price rising to an absolutely normal and not at all eye-watering $108,000. Ethereum, not wishing to be left out, puffed itself up by 3.6% in a single week, mostly by sheer force of existential angst. And let’s not forget the global crypto market cap, which now stands at $3.33 trillion – up from $3.21 trillion, or, for those who struggle with numbers that big, “a whole lot of zeroes”.
According to figures hot off the improbability drive at CryptoSlam, nobody new wants to buy NFTs (the buyer count is stuck at exactly 1,061,348, as if they agreed to just stop there for neatness’ sake). Sellers, meanwhile, were up 8.09%, presumably hoping to offload JPEGs before the next kimchi coin scandal. Yet, curiously, the number of NFT transactions went down 19.72%, perhaps because even imaginary cats get tired.
Polygon Slips Into Silver Medal Position (But Will It Boast About It?)
Immutable (IMX), presumably using some form of dark sorcery, clung to the lead with $43.9 million in sales, up 30.27%. They managed to keep wash trading at a dainty $6, which in crypto terms is basically lint.
Polygon (POL) proudly swaggered into second place with a spectacular $25 million in sales—a zesty 51.53% leap—carried aloft by a wash trading explosion of 1,573.33% (yes, really), hitting $564,363. Ethereum, clutching its pearls, dropped to third at $22.5 million, down 8.63%, and produced $1.9 million in wash trading—impressive only when compared to the price of a decent cup of tea these days.
Mythos Chain stuck stubbornly to fourth with $14.4 million (up 2.16%), while BNB Chain wandered about in fifth with $9.1 million, perhaps hoping someone would buy it a sandwich (down 0.13%). Bitcoin, dusting off its digital hat, landed sixth with $8.7 million, a cheery 12.70% improvement, probably because its fans like round numbers.
More buyers arrived on the scene, with Polygon leading a 35.63% growth. Bitcoin trailed after with 23.22%, possibly distracted by thoughts of moon cheese, and Mythos Chain logged 19.32%—all presumably in search of the next great cash cow or pixelated penguin.
At the pointy end of the collections race, Guild of Guardians Heroes continued its reign with $26.8 million in sales, up 37.72%. The fact that they have “Heroes” in the name seems suspicious but is apparently legal in most galactic sectors.
The Courtyard on Polygon heroically scrambled to second place with $18.9 million, up 22.53%. Buyers increased by 16.22%, while sellers, perhaps withdrawing to read existentialist poetry, dropped 6.65%.
Guild of Guardians Avatars (not to be confused with actual heroes) hugged third with $9.7 million, up 24.19%. DMarket shrugged noncommittally into fourth with $9.2 million, a plucky 3.61% rise.
Gods Unchained Cards (for people who want to gamble and collect mythology, all at once!) rounded out the top five with $7.2 million, up 15.19%. Immutable-based gaming collections now officially make up three of the top five, forming a solid majority until the next arbitrary classification emerges.
Meanwhile, CryptoPunks (not dead, just loitering ninth in the corner like an ironic hipster) posted a 26.36% sales jump to $2 million, with buyers, sellers, and transactions all climbing because nostalgia and eccentricity will never die.
If you’re looking for some numbers to stagger your conception of reality, here are this week’s most astronomically ludicrous high-value CryptoPunks sales:
- CryptoPunks #1831: 150 ETH ($389,846) – that’s a lot of zeros for a pixelated head.
- CryptoPunks #9778: 150 ETH ($377,958) – basically a twin, but less photogenic.
- CryptoPunks #4868: 76.5 ETH ($201,933) – must’ve had nice hair.
- CryptoPunks #5586: 70.07 ETH ($185,292) – the .07 means something, right?
- CryptoPunks #7516: 60 ETH ($158,378) – because round numbers just feel better.
So, to sum up: the world’s getting even weirder, NFTs are still a thing, and if you squint just right at the numbers, they almost make sense. Don’t panic. 🛸
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2025-07-05 23:19