Tempo Raises $500M: Ethereum Dev Jumps Ship 🚀💸

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Tempo, the blockchain for stablecoin payments, just raked in $500 million. 🤑 Stripe’s little side hustle is now a $5 billion unicorn. 🦄 Who needs a stablecoin when you’re this unstable-ly rich?

Analysts were like, “Will Tempo kill Ethereum?” 🤔 Meanwhile, an Ethereum OG developer said, “Peace out, Vitalik!” and joined Tempo. 😂 Complementary role? More like, “Hey, Ethereum, hold my beer.” 🍺

Tempo’s Fundraising Extravaganza 🎉

Stripe’s been flirting with stablecoins for months. Yesterday, they added subscription payments. Today? Tempo’s like, “Hold my $500 million.” 💰 Jared Kushner’s in on it too. Because nothing says “crypto” like a real estate guy’s VC firm. 🏠

Series A? More like Series “A-mazing.” $5 billion valuation. Eat your heart out, blockchain startups. 💪

And then there’s Dankrad Feist, Ethereum’s ex-BFF, who said, “Tempo’s the future, baby!” 🌟 His tweet? Pure gold:

I am excited to announce that I will be joining Tempo. This last year has been a turning point for crypto, where we have finally seen the outlines of our vision being materialized. While payments used to be front and center in the early days of crypto, I see a special opportunity…

– Dankrad Feist (@dankrad) October 17, 2025

Disrupt Crypto? Or Just Disrupt My Sleep Schedule? 😴

Feist says Tempo’s here to “complement” Ethereum. Sure, Jan. 😐 Meanwhile, analysts are like, “Wait, is this a breakup or a threesome?” 💔 TradFi’s all in, with Greenoaks, Sequoia, and Thrive Capital leading the charge. Kushner’s probably like, “Finally, a stablecoin I can pronounce.” 🗣️

Tempo’s staying neutral, though. No token plans yet. Just a blockchain that plays nice with others. 🤝 Unless they change their mind. Then it’s chaos. 🌪️

Bottom line? Tempo’s got the cash, the clout, and now, the Ethereum defector. Crypto’s about to get spicy. 🌶️

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2025-10-17 23:48