Trump’s Crypto Gold Rush: Profits, Pride, and a Dash of Delusion 🤑

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Well, slap my wallet and call me impressed-the Trump boys, Eric and Don Jr., have somehow managed to turn a profit with their crypto venture, American Bitcoin (ABTC). Yes, the same lads who probably still ask Siri to explain blockchain have announced that their third quarter (Q3) was, in the words of Eric, “yuge.” 🦁💰

Profits? In This Economy? 🎉

According to their latest financial report, ABTC raked in a cool $64.2 million in revenue, which is apparently enough to make a gold-plated toilet seem like a wise investment. Their net income hit $3.5 million, just edging out last year’s Q3 earnings by a whisker. Not bad for a pair of guys whose previous business highlights include selling Trump steaks and a failed line of vodka. 🥩🍸

The company mined and bought over 3,000 Bitcoin this quarter, because nothing says “we’re serious about the future” like hoarding digital coins while the world debates whether crypto is a revolution or a Ponzi scheme. As of September 30, they’re sitting on 3,418 BTC, which is either a genius move or the financial equivalent of betting on a three-legged horse. 🐎💨

Their mining capacity? Oh, it only quadrupled, reaching a whopping 25.0 exahash per second (EH/s). That’s a lot of hashing power, though let’s be honest, it’s probably still less impressive than the amount of hot air generated by their dad’s Twitter account. 📈💨

Eric Trump: The Crypto Whisperer 🦄

In a post-earnings call, Eric Trump-who I’m convinced thinks Bitcoin is just digital Monopoly money-gushed about their success. “We’re one of the leading public Bitcoin treasuries!” he declared, as if that’s a thing anyone brags about at Thanksgiving. 🦃💼

He also praised their “asset-light mining operations,” which apparently means they’re really good at spending other people’s money to mine Bitcoin cheaper than buying it outright. Genius? Or just a fancy way of saying they’re cutting corners? You decide. 🛠️💸

ABTC Stock: Up 5%, Bitcoin: Down the Drain 🚀🪣

Meanwhile, ABTC stock surged 5%, hitting nearly $5 per share. But let’s not forget that Bitcoin itself has been on a rollercoaster ride, dropping 24% from its all-time high to $95,328. So, while the Trumps are popping champagne, the rest of the crypto world is probably sipping anxiety tea. 🍾☕

CEO Mike Ho (yes, that’s his real name) chimed in to say they’re mining Bitcoin at a lower cost than buying it. “We’re executing with speed, discipline, and precision,” he said, which sounds like something a ninja would say if ninjas were into blockchain. 🥷⛓️

“Our third-quarter performance reflects the speed, discipline, and precision with which we are executing against our differentiated Bitcoin accumulation model.”

Translation: “We’re really good at this, and we’re not sure why either.” 🤷♂️

As a majority-owned subsidiary of Hut 8 Corp, ABTC is now a big player in the crypto game. Whether that’s a good thing or a sign of the apocalypse, only time will tell. ⏳🌍

So, there you have it: the Trump brothers are making money in crypto, Bitcoin is still a wild ride, and somehow, we’re all still here to read about it. What a time to be alive. 🚀🤡

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2025-11-15 09:17