Gemini’s Crypto Carnival: Trump, Twins, and Titanic Predictions 🚀💰

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Markets

What to know: 🧐

  • Gemini’s affiliate, the grandly named Gemini Titan, has been anointed by the CFTC to reign as a Designated Contract Market. 🦄
  • This divine license permits them to peddle regulated prediction markets to the eager masses of the U.S. 📈
  • The Winklevoss twins, ever the sycophants, hailed this as a triumph aligned with Trump’s crypto crusade. MAGA meets Bitcoin, how quaint! 🤑

In a press release as grandiose as a Russian novel, Gemini Space Station, Inc. (GEMI) proclaimed that its subsidiary, Gemini Titan, LLC, has finally secured the coveted approval from the U.S. Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC) to operate as a Designated Contract Market (DCM). This, they assure us, will allow them to offer regulated prediction markets to U.S. customers, a feat as predictable as a Nabokov plot twist. 🧙‍♂️

The saga began on March 10, 2020, when Gemini first embarked on this bureaucratic odyssey. Five years later, they emerge victorious, declaring it the dawn of a “new chapter” for the exchange. How original! 📖

“Today’s approval marks the culmination of a 5-year licensing process and the beginning of a new chapter for Gemini,” CEO Tyler Winklevoss intoned, his words dripping with self-importance. He then proceeded to thank President Donald Trump for “ending the Biden Administration’s War on Crypto,” a statement so absurd it could only be uttered with a straight face in the land of the free. 🦅

Gemini Titan, in its newfound glory, will offer event contracts framed as binary questions-yes or no, black or white, Trump or Biden. Will Bitcoin soar to $200,000 by year’s end? Will Elon Musk’s X cough up $140 million to the European Commission by 2026? The possibilities are as endless as they are trivial. 🎱

This approval places Gemini Titan in the rarefied company of CFTC-regulated venues, a club currently dominated by Kalshi. Meanwhile, decentralized platforms like Polymarket continue to operate offshore, unburdened by U.S. regulations. Rebels without a cause, one might say. 🏴‍☠️

Gemini’s foray into prediction markets is part of its grand vision to create a “one-stop financial super app,” a phrase so cringe-worthy it deserves its own emoji. 🤮 They claim these event contracts will harness the “wisdom of the crowd,” a concept as dubious as a Nabokov narrator’s reliability. 🧠

U.S. customers, bless their hearts, will be able to trade these contracts using U.S. dollars held in their accounts, with mobile access promised in the distant future. Gemini Titan also plans to expand its derivatives offerings to include crypto futures, options, and perpetual contracts-because why stop at mere predictions when you can gamble on everything? 🎲

As for when trading will begin, Gemini remains coy, leaving us all in suspense. In after-hours trading, Gemini stock (GEMI) surged 13.73% to $12.92, a rally as fleeting as a Nabokov character’s sanity. 📉

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2025-12-11 11:28