Coinbase: Now Everything, But Mostly Confusion đŸ€Ż

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Finance

What to know:

  • Coinbase is now selling stocks, ETFs, and existential dread-all in one app. 🚀
  • Users can now bet on elections, sports, and whether your neighbor’s dog will finally stop barking. đŸŽČ
  • New AI tool promises to manage your wealth. Probably. If it doesn’t crash first. đŸ€–

Coinbase (COIN), the cryptocurrency exchange that once specialized in letting you buy Bitcoin and feel vaguely guilty, has decided it’s not enough to be the “Everything Exchange.” No, it must now be the “Everything Plus a Side of Regret” platform. In a blogpost that reads like a fever dream, they announced stock trading, prediction markets, and a menagerie of other features-because why stop at one existential crisis?

Coinbase claims it’s expanding its offerings to include “novel cryptocurrencies, perpetual futures, stocks, and prediction markets,” starting with Kalshi. Because nothing says “financial stability” like letting users trade on whether your ex will finally text you back. đŸ“”

The race to be the ultimate financial Swiss Army knife is as competitive as a toddler’s tantrum. Robinhood, Kraken, and Gemini are already tokenizing equity and dabbling in prediction markets. But Coinbase? It’s not just competing-it’s hosting a chaotic family reunion of financial tools. 🏠

The main app now promises to trade futures, perps, Solana assets, and the Base App-all while pretending it knows what it’s doing. “Simple interface” is a relative term here. đŸ€·

The SEC, in a surprising turn of events, seems to have given tokenized stocks a passing grade. Or maybe they’re just too busy arguing about whether Bitcoin is a security. Either way, Coinbase is rolling with it. 🎱

Taking Stock

Max Branzburg, Coinbase’s head of consumer and business products, helpfully mentioned the stock list is “subject to change.” Because nothing says “trust” like a moving target. Expect hundreds of top stocks, ETFs, and probably a few random NFTs. 🎰

Coinbase’s new feature lets you manage stocks and crypto in one app. Because juggling multiple platforms was clearly working out. Zero-commission trading? Sure. 24/7 access? Of course. Just don’t ask for customer service unless you enjoy cryptic error messages. 🔐

International traders can look forward to stock perpetuals next year. Because why limit yourself to normal hours when you can trade during your cat’s nap? đŸ±

Coinbase Tokenize, the firm’s new platform for tokenizing real-world assets, is now powering retail access to tokenized stocks. The details? “In progress.” Because nothing says “regulatory rigor” like vague promises. đŸ§©

Prediction Markets, Perps, Solana DEX

Kalshi integration means you can now bet on elections, sports, and whether your boss will finally notice your hard work. Prices are determined by “collective trading activity”-which sounds fancy until it crashes. đŸ€

Derivatives trading is now “simplified.” Translation: You can lose money faster with less effort. And yes, the tax benefits are “favorable”-as long as the IRS hasn’t caught up yet. 💾

Coinbase’s futures and perps contracts now span crypto, commodities, and equity indices. Because why stick to one asset class when you can confuse yourself with all of them? 🌀

Solana DEX integration is coming soon, courtesy of Jupiter. Now you can swap tokens without leaving the app-assuming the app doesn’t crash mid-trade. đŸšȘ

Coinbase Business and Wealth Management

Coinbase Business is now available to startups and small businesses. Features include payment links, invoices, and “automated financial workflows.” Because who needs sleep when you can automate everything? đŸ€–

Coinbase Advisor, the AI wealth management tool, promises personalized financial advice. Just tell it your goals and questions-like “Build me a portfolio” or “Why is my life this way?”-and it’ll respond with robotic empathy. đŸ€–

Base, Coinbase’s Ethereum overlay blockchain, is now global. Rumors of a native token? “No updates to share.” Classic. Because nothing says “innovation” like keeping your users guessing. 🎭

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2025-12-18 01:39