Scaramucci’s Crypto Picks: Chaos, Whales, and a Dash of Hope 🦄💥

by

It was a somber winter’s eve-New Year’s Eve, to be precise-when Anthony Scaramucci, that most excitable of financial pugilists, sat down with Altcoin Daily to lament the crypto markets with all the gravitas of a butler discovering the silver has been polished with marmalade. The year 2025, he claimed, had turned out to be less a moonshot and more a faceplant into a mattress made of regulatory uncertainty and whale-sized sell orders.

“Picture it,” he intoned, fingers steepled like a Bond villain who just remembered he forgot his lines, “$4.6 billion in whale selling, a cascade of deleveraging, liquidity vanishing faster than a butler at a tax audit-and all while we were busy believing in rainbows and ETF-driven unicorns.”

The October 10th debacle, he said, was less a market correction and more a financial exorcism. “A 30% dip in Bitcoin?” he mused. “Garden variety, my dear Watson. But the altcoins? They weren’t merely bruised-they were tossed into a woodchipper and then asked to run a marathon.”

Yet, in the Wodehousian tradition of silver linings woven from pure absurdity, Scaramucci posits that things look up precisely because they’ve sunk so low. “Bullish sentiment,” he declared with glee, “is currently hovering around 13 out of 100-like a man who backed the wrong horse, lost his hat, and is now betting his spectacles on a donkey.”

And here’s the twist: when everyone’s this glum, even a mildly pleasant headline-say, a senator smiling at a blockchain-could send prices skyward like a startled pheasant. ETF inflows? Tick. Less whale tantrum? Tick. Regulatory clarity? Ah, yes-the elusive Clarity Act, that legislative mirage shimmering just beyond the dunes of Capitol Hill.

“Without it,” Scaramucci said, sounding for all the world like a vicar denied his tea, “no one in their right mind will spend millions overhauling the financial system just to have some congressman unplug it with a frown.”

And lo! He waved his hands grandly at the global economy, where-brace yourself-$3.5 to $4 trillion is burned annually on transaction fees, “enough to fund a small planet’s worth of innovation, or at the very least, a decent number of yachts.” Cut that in half, and voilà! Two trillion dollars parachute into the economy like Mary Poppins with a briefcase.

Enter the Holy Trinity of Altcoins

When pressed for his top three digital darlings, Scaramucci named them not with quiet reverence, but with the flourish of a game-show host: “Solana! Avalanche! And… believe it or not… the Telegram token, known as TON!” (At this, one imagines his audience gasping, teacups clattering on saucers.)

Solana, he said, is “cheap, low cost, very fast”-in short, everything his last dinner party wasn’t. “Easy to use, easy to develop on,” he added, though he was careful to insist he’s “not an Ethereum negative person,” because in crypto, vendettas are eternal and unforgiving, like a footman holding a grudge over a spilled sherry.

TON, bless its chat-app heart, he bought at $7.50, averaged down near $4.00, and now watches it languish at $1.50-still clinging to hope like a man married to a woman who only likes his brother. But sentiment? Pah! He sees TON one day embedded in Telegram’s 900 million users “like caviar in a blini.”

As for macro-ah, macro-the grand puppeteer of all markets, Scaramucci foresees “two to four rate cuts” as the president, facing midterms, desperately tries to polish the economy like a tarnished doorknob. “He’ll flood the zone with capital,” Scaramucci prophesied, “slash rates, and attempt to perk up the economy the way one sprays cologne on a wet dog.”

Bitcoin? Still $150,000-he’s just “off by a year,” like a butler announcing dinner an hour late. Recently, he bought more for his family, “because nothing says ‘I love you’ like inheritance in cold storage.”

At press time, the crypto market cap tottered at $2.94 trillion-enough to buy approximately 294,000 Lamborghinis, or one moderately ambitious space program. 🚀🌕

All in all, it’s the sort of forecast that either signals genius or mild delirium from too much screen time. But as any Wodehouse hero knows-when the world’s gone mad, one can still dress for dinner. 🍸🎩🌚

Read More

2026-01-01 12:08