Bitcoin Boom & Stock Doom: Strive’s Hilarious Merger Fiasco! 😂💸

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In what can only be described as a corporate soap opera, Strive gets shareholder thumbs up to gobble up Semler Scientific in an all-stock carnival ride. Hold onto your hats! 🤡. Now, the new “super” company will be the 11th biggest Bitcoin hoarder on the planet! Yep, you heard right-Bitcoin, baby! 🤑

Meanwhile, the market’s just yawning-Strive’s stock (ASST) took a nosedive, dropping nearly 12% on Tuesday. Because who doesn’t love a good rollercoaster? 🎢

Strive Hopes to Turn Bitcoin into a Mega Treasure Chest-But Gets a Piñata Instead

The great voting circus kicked off in late December 2025 (yep, the future is here, and it’s confusing), with a big showdown on January 13. Semler’s shareholders happily voted “yes,” probably thinking about all those shiny Bitcoins. 🪙

And that’s right, folks-5,048.1 Bitcoin are now flying to Strive’s digital piggy bank! Plus, they bought 123 more Bitcoins at a hefty $91,561 each. Yep, that’s like paying for a pizza with gold bars. 🍕💰

All in all, this makes their Bitcoin stash swell to a colossal 12,797.9 BTC-big enough to make Elon Musk jealous (almost). Now, they’re knocking on Tesla’s door and Trump’s Twitter account, trying to look serious. They’ll rank just below the “cool” kid, CleanSpark, with 13,099 BTC. 🎩

“This Semler Scientific deal will keep Strive’s Bitcoin yield skyrocketing like a rocket-over 15% in Q1 2026! It’s a win-win-unless you’re a shareholder of a rival, then it’s just hilarious,” chuckled CEO Matt Cole, probably while sipping on some Bitcoin-shaped martini. 🍸

And guess what? Eric Semler, the big boss of Semler Scientific, will now sit on Strive’s fancy new board, probably to tell everyone how really smart he is. Meanwhile, the finance guys from Cantor Fitzgerald and legal eagles from Davis Polk & Wardwell are watching like hawks. 🦅

Strive’s got plans-monetize Semler’s business within a year and maybe wipe out some debt, including a $100 million convertible note and a $20 million Coinbase loan. Because nothing says “fun” like debt! 🎉

Oh, and they’re doing a little stock magic-1-for-20 reverse split, because apparently, shares were too cheap for the Wall Street bigwigs. Broaden participation, they say. Sounds like a plan! 🧙‍♂️

But wait! The stock took a nosedive-nearly 12%, closing at a flamboyant $0.97 on January 13. Pre-market’s showing a tiny 2% comeback, so all is not lost! 📉📈

And just for fun, they’re sitting on unrealized losses of about $135.2 million-because what’s life without a little drama? Their Bitcoins are valued around $738.84 million, which sounds impressive until you remember: it’s all just paper profits. 💼💔

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2026-01-14 09:51