One cannot help but marvel at how the esteemed Mr. Trump, with the precision of a man selecting a hat from a department store, insists the war in Iran is “over soon” because, as he so generously informs us, there’s “practically nothing left to target.” A sentiment as charmingly erratic as it is geopolitically dubious, yet somehow this declaration sends Bitcoin into a frenzy more dramatic than a society matron discovering her son’s new fiancée is a former opera singer.
Bitcoin, that most fickle of financial companions, responded to these musings with the enthusiasm of a dramatic diva given a standing ovation. It leapt from $69,200 to $71,100 with the grace of a stock market gazelle-only to pause and consider whether it might be overreaching, lest it appear too eager for our approval.
TRUMP SAYS ‘NOTHING LEFT TO TARGET’ IN IRAN WAR
Donald Trump, ever the optimist, informed Axios that the conflict will conclude “soon” because, in a stunning twist of logic, there are “practically nothing left to target.” He added, “Any time I want it to end, it will end.”
U.S. and Israeli officials, however, plan at least two more…
– *Walter Bloomberg (@DeItaone) March 11, 2026
This is not the first time Trump has offered such reassuring tidings. Just days prior, he declared the war “very complete, pretty much,” a claim met with polite skepticism by those not currently serving as his Twitter algorithm’s favorite bedtime story. Meanwhile, Walter Bloomberg’s report suggests the U.S. and its partner in this delightful charade, Israel, have plans for “at least two more weeks of strikes”-a timeline as flexible as a Victorian corset.
The Strait of Hormuz, that most unassuming of waterways, has become the latest stage for this geopolitical pantomime, with Iran allegedly laying mines and the U.S. military playfully destroying 16 mine-laying boats. One wonders if the boats were offended.
Bitcoin’s recent volatility, however, seems less about economic indicators and more about the whims of a man who once claimed to have the best hair on television. The February CPI data, a bore of a news item if ever there was one, failed to stir the market, while Trump’s war updates provided the necessary spice. After all, what is more thrilling to investors than the prospect of global conflict resolving itself “soon” because “nothing left to target”?
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2026-03-11 17:59