In the annals of corporate absurdity, Juizi Holdings-a modest Chinese EV technocrat-has boldly declared its intention to plunge $1,000,000,000 into the digital abyss of cryptocurrency, thus transforming itself from a purveyor of electric vehicles into a modern-day alchemist 🧙♂️💸.
As per their poetic Sept. 24 missive, the company shall dabble in Bitcoin
, Ethereum
, and BNB
-with all further acquisitions subject to the whims of the board, a committee of risk-takers led by CFO Huijie Gao (no relation to Fyodor 🤔), and the enigmatic new COO Doug Buerger, whose LinkedIn bio now reads “Architect of Financial Calamity.”
“We seek only long-term stability,” proclaimed Buerger, as he stared into the void. “No short-term trading. No speculation. Just… vibes.” 🧘♂️✨
Juizi Joins the Global Parade of Crypto Enthusiasts
Markets, ever the romantic fools, responded with a surge of 80% for the week-a feat rivaled only by the enthusiasm of a toddler with a caffeinated beverage 🚀🌕. At one point, shares soared 26% in 24 hours, briefly making Juizi the most interesting company in existence (until the next meme coin launched).
Juizi Holdings (JZXN) flirted with the stratosphere for a day. Source: Google (probably).
This farcical trend now grips the globe. Strive Inc. recently merged with Semler Scientific to create the world’s 14th-largest Bitcoin hoarder-a title that sounds more impressive than it is. Meanwhile, Kyrgyzstan and the Philippines debate state-run crypto reserves, because why not? 🏛️💡
And so, humanity marches onward-toward enlightenment, ruin, or whichever comes first. 🎭
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2025-09-24 22:12