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In an interview with CryptoMoon, Draper prophesized that, “Between 10-20 years from now, the dollar will be extinct.” Ah yes, extinction—because we all know how quickly the dollar goes from “dominant currency” to “that thing that used to exist.” And apparently, we’re in the middle of some grand “anthropological leap forward.” I mean, who doesn’t love a good leap into the unknown? 🦘

During a second-quarter earnings call that probably involved more suits than a Savile Row sale, Dimon defended the move, claiming it’s all about protecting the customer. Bless his heart. 💖 He wants us to know that we, the little people, have the “right” to decide what information gets shared. As if we’re all sitting around pondering the finer points of data privacy while sipping our lattes. ☕️

Look, bitcoin ( BTC) finally cracks $123,000 on July 14, and I’m sitting there thinking, ‘This is it, I’m rich!’ Then what? It tanks below $116,500 faster than I can say ‘bad investment.’ But hey, at least it sparked an altcoin frenzy, with ethereum ( ETH) rallying from under $3,000 to over $3,660 before pulling a classic bait-and-switch. ETH ends the week up 21.6%—not bad, but I’m still waiting for that stability I was promised. 😂

Shor’s algorithm, a quantum sorcerer’s incantation, looms with menace. Recent studies whisper that a quarter of Bitcoin’s kingdom could be devoured by the beast within a decade, triggering a market collapse so catastrophic, even Keynes would weep into his ale. 🍻

This upgrade means the network could theoretically handle up to 5,000 decentralized exchange swaps per second. Or, as it’s known in the real world, “enough to make your average trader’s head spin faster than a fidget spinner at a toddler’s birthday party.”

The ITRC reports a whopping 1,732 data breaches in the US during H1 2025, affecting a staggering 165,745,452 individuals. That’s more people than you can fit in a stadium, even if you tried to make it the world’s biggest stadium… and then doubled it. 🏟️

Now, with this latest acquisition, our friendly neighborhood Bit Digital swells its Ethereum stash to over 120,000 ETH! That’s like being the biggest fish in a kiddie pool, swimming right behind the giants of the industry, SharpLink and BitMine Immersion. 🦈💦

Thanks to bipartisan support (you know, that unicorn everyone talks about but never sees), this bill is like the Swiss Army knife of stablecoins, coming in with a comprehensive framework that keeps those digital dollars in check. Everyone is throwing confetti, celebrating this new clarity for stablecoin issuers. 🎉 Thank you, GENIUS Act, for reminding us that the dollar can play in the digital sandbox, while we all hold our breath and watch the financial modernization parade.

As of the illustrious date, July 19, 2025 (mark it on your calendars, dear readers), the sages at defillama.com have proclaimed the stablecoin market’s resplendent valuation to stand at a regal $260.571 billion. An increase of 1.37% within the past seven days – a statistic that feels more like magic than mathematics! 📈✨