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So, Anthropic, the San Francisco-based brain trust behind the AI chatbot Claude, is raking in $20 billion from venture capitalists and other deep-pocketed dreamers, according to the Financial Times. This deal values the company at $350 billion, which is roughly the GDP of a small country, or the cost of a really nice sandwich in San Francisco.

Ah, gold! That eternal refuge of the cautious, rose 1.4% to $5,080 an ounce, its seventh consecutive day of triumph. One might say it is the only guest at this party who remembers to bring a gift, while Bitcoin sulks in the corner, nursing its wounds.

Over the weekend, the gears of politics churned slower than a broken tractor, yet somehow, progress was made. Democrats, in a rare moment of unity, have agreed to keep their objections to themselves during the markup sessions on January 29. It’s like watching a barn dance where everyone’s too tired to step on each other’s toes.

In a move that could only be described as fabulously audacious, VanEck has launched the VanEck Avalanche ETF, which is rather like giving the green light for all those eager investors in the U.S. to frolic in the regulated playground of AVAX crypto. This splendid ETF doesn’t just sit there; it integrates staking rewards into its Net Asset Value, allowing investors to sip on passive yields while they dance through the scalable blockchain universe of Avalanche. It seems everyone wants to join this grand fiesta of regulated investing!

First, the metals market just had a meltdown that would make a toddler’s tantrum look dignified. Gold and silver lost $1.7 trillion in 90 minutes-yes, you read that right. It’s like they woke up one morning and decided, “You know what? We’re done being shiny.” Meanwhile, some crypto traders are predicting Bitcoin will hit $110,000 by Q2. Because, of course, when one asset class crashes, another must soar. It’s the circle of financial life.

In a universe where data is the air and regulations are the slightly damp umbrella you carry anyway, South Korea is edging toward letting privately issued KRW stablecoins wander free. The reaction from the ecosystem: a chorus of meetings, buzzwords, and people discovering their keyboards have become more expensive than their coffee. A new alliance has formed to coax KRW-backed stablecoins into everyday use, because apparently “everyday” is a genre now.

In a move that has set the ton abuzz, Bitwise Asset Management has unveiled its newest onchain investor solution, a non-custodial vault curation, powered by the ever-so-clever Morpho, an onchain lending network. At the helm of this venture stands Jonathan Man, CFA, Head of Multi-Strategy Solutions and DeFi Strategies at Bitwise. With the backing of their 140-person technology and investment team, one can only imagine the heights to which they aspire. The initial vault, my dear reader, targets an annual percentage yield of up to 6% on stablecoins, with whispers of expansion into additional strategies and programmable, real-time risk management on Morpho’s modular architecture. How very forward-thinking!

Ah, Hyperliquid, that darling layer-1 chain, has seen a volume explosion that would make even the most jaded socialite blush. The cause? A frenzy of trading through “Builder-Deployed Perpetuals,” of course. The levels have risen to a magnificent ATH of $790 million-simply divine! In a post as elegant as a Coward monologue, Hyperliquid attributed this surge to the rapid adoption of HIP-3. How très chic!

And why the sudden glow-up? Enter: bAXS. Not to be confused with “BFFs,” “buccal swabs,” or “the sound you make when you find another cockroach in your apartment,” bAXS is the new “utility layer” supposedly fixing everything that was wrong with Axie’s economy – like giving AXS actual reasons to exist beyond sitting in wallets collecting digital dust and regret.

In a tricksterish twist, Bitcoin gobbles up a marching parade of long bets laid down over the last 30 days, then gives them a sly little swish and a wipeout. The market looked all puffed up with bravado, crowds ready to roar higher. But markets, like a box of unscrupulous secrets in Roald Dahl’s garden, love to surprise you. Big players and glossy exchange lords adore a crowded parade; they poke it, they prod it, they whisper “liquidation!” and off go the crowds, leaving innocent traders to blink as prices jump and jiggle in a jolly, jerky dance.