qfx

The crypto market, somewhere in the ninth circle of digital finances, remained as weak as a bad Wi-Fi connection today, with the total market cap slipping to a perplexing $2.91 trillion, down nearly 2%. Bitcoin sauntered near $86,200, while Ethereum hung around the neighborhood of $2,840 like a lost traveler on a Friday night. XRP also continued to underperform, hovering around $1.86, reminiscing the Dark Ages of the prices of altcoins.

New liquidation data shows that the rally was less of a breakout attempt and more of a liquidity grab. BTC was tapping a dense cluster of short-liquidation levels before reversing sharply. 🐦‍⬛ A dance of desperation, where every step forward was met with a cruel twist.

Coinbase (COIN), the cryptocurrency exchange that once specialized in letting you buy Bitcoin and feel vaguely guilty, has decided it’s not enough to be the “Everything Exchange.” No, it must now be the “Everything Plus a Side of Regret” platform. In a blogpost that reads like a fever dream, they announced stock trading, prediction markets, and a menagerie of other features-because why stop at one existential crisis?

Polygon Labs, in a move as bold as it is baffling, has invested in Boys Club, a tech media firm that promises to make blockchain payments as practical as a well-tailored suit. Boys Club, ever the independent spirit, will retain its editorial independence, ensuring that even in the realm of crypto, there’s room for a little chaos. 🤷‍♂️

Bitcoin tried to dance above $90,000, but the bears were there to trip it up! 🕵️‍♂️💥

Our beloved dog-themed memecoin has taken quite the tumble, a staggering 15% in just a week-like a puppy slipping on a banana peel! This slip has sent it spiraling beneath a pivotal support trendline, a fate befitting a creature of such cheeky charm. The persistent bearish sentiment, akin to a rainy day that just won’t quit, has dashed hopes of a joyous bull run, which had been so carefully constructed since February 2024.

“The token buyer won’t even know they’re buying from a stock seller,” Masagão said, probably with a mischievous grin. “It’s a smooth transition-like sliding into a pool filled with jello-both systems sharing the same liquidity. No fuss.”

But wait! Enter Tara, the oracle of technical analysis, who gently points out that this little dip isn’t just a random tantrum. Oh no, it’s a potentially meaningful microcosm of the universe’s chaotic whimsy-an important macro support level around $1.88, which might just be the “Hold my beer” moment for XRP. Think of it as the coin’s version of “please don’t leave me” – an emotional support zone supported by Fibonacci, because why just have support when you can have Fibonacci support? 📉✨

Bloomberg, that oracle of finance, whispers that Zhao’s controlling stake has become a “major hurdle” for expansion into key U.S. states. How poetic, that the very foundation of power now shackles progress! The plans? Fluid as a dream, they say. One might imagine CZ sipping tea, plotting his next move like a 19th-century magnate with a crypto twist. ☕💼

The brave littlie hit critical support like a clutz at a dominoes convention, tumbling down 3% amidst technical sleight of hand and a sprinkle of bearish vibes. All while bullish news about USDC integration apparently went unnoticed, or maybe just shrugged at.