Quantum Threat to Bitcoin: Developers Propose Hilarious Solution! 😜

Our dear cryptocurrency, Bitcoin, is under threat from the nefarious quantum computing, which could compromise a whopping 25% of its supply due to exposed public keys. Fear not, for the intrepid Jameson Lopp, CTO and co-founder of self-custody service Casa, has proposed a quantum-resistant upgrade to the cryptocurrency’s software.

When Crypto Fear Meets Small Town Law: A Michigan Saga! 😂🏦

On a fateful Tuesday, the city council, perhaps sipping tea and assembling with grand purpose, passed with unanimous voice an ordinance that requires registration, licenses, and serves as a bulwark against the rising tide of crypto misadventures plaguing nearby locales, most notably under the aegis of the vigilant Attorney General Dana Nessel.

Ethereum’s Roaring Breakout: Big Money Behavior or Just a Loud Fart?

Cazz, in a recent update on X, highlighted a significant development on the Ethereum weekly chart. The ETH/USD pair has broken out of an 8-week tight consolidation range. This breakout came on the back of high volume and strong weekly closes near the highs. Its rapid price movement through a historically thin zone further confirms that this is classic big money behavior.

DFINITY’s Caffeine: Turning Ideas into Apps with the Ease of Sending a Text 🚀

According to a press release shared with crypto.news on July 16, DFINITY—the non-profit organization building the Internet Computer network—has begun onboarding alpha testers for Caffeine, an AI platform that translates natural language prompts into fully functional applications. It’s like having a personal app wizard in your pocket, minus the pointy hat and the tendency to turn your cat into a teapot. 🧙‍♂️🐱

BigONE Gets Hacked, Loses a Casual $27M

BigONE, a Seychelles-based crypto exchange (because who doesn’t love a good offshore account? 🏖️), revealed that they’d suffered a major security breach. It turns out that a third-party supply chain attack targeted their hot wallet infrastructure. Who knew that was a thing? 🤔

BTC: The Party’s Not Over Yet 🎉

Matt Mena, a sage and intrepid analyst at 21Shares, remains resolute in his conviction that the current dip is but a mere blip on the radar of the grand Bitcoin narrative. “The institutional demand is simply too great,” he declares with an air of quiet confidence, “and the supply, well, it’s as dry as a London socialite’s wit.”

Crypto’s Dirty Laundry 🚨

Gugnin allegedly failed to implement AML regulations and didn’t file suspicious activity reports (SARs), violating the Bank Secrecy Act and misleading financial institutions 📝. He also searched online for ways to detect law enforcement surveillance, because, you know, paranoia is a real thing 😂.

Dubai’s Revolutionary Real Estate Move: Tokenizing Property Titles with XRP Ledger!

Ripple, the company behind the XRP Ledger, will provide the institutional-grade custody infrastructure, while Ctrl Alt will oversee the lifecycle of these digital assets. Ctrl Alt, recently licensed as a VASP by Dubai’s Virtual Assets Regulatory Authority (VARA), plans to simplify access to premium real estate by enabling fractional ownership. CEO Matt Ong called the partnership a step toward broader investor participation in the market, backed by Ripple’s proven tech. 💸💰