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Dip buyers keep hoarding Bitcoin like it’s the last Twinkie in the apocalypse, but breaking through $112,000? That’s the real boss level.

Well, shiver me timbers, those whales in the 100-10k Bitcoin [BTC] range are stirrin’ up the digital seas. Santiment, them data scallywags, say these whales control about 9.29 million BTC, which is roughly 47% of the booty floatin’ around. That’s a cool $1.1 trillion sittin’ pretty on-chain across a measly 2,066 addresses. Arrr! 🏴‍☠️

On Sept. 4, U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) Chair Paul Atkins-whose name, one hopes, is not an omen for regulatory indigestion-announced the Spring 2025 Unified Agenda of Regulatory and Deregulatory Actions. Yes, you heard that right: 2025. It seems bureaucracy operates on geologic time scales, much like glaciers or my Aunt Mildred’s digestion.

The Open Interest chart on the 5-minute timeframe, my dear readers, is a veritable masterpiece of bearish dominance. The price, much like a gentleman who has lost his way in a blizzard, steadily fell from around $0.91 to near $0.868, forming a pattern of lower highs and lower lows-a classic sign of sustained selling pressure, one might say.

Market wizard Jeff Walton, who’s got more crystal balls than a fortune teller’s convention, reckons Strategy’s practically a shoo-in. With trading volumes thicker than molasses, a market cap of over $92 billion (that’s billion, with a B, folks), and GAAP net income sweeter than a pecan pie at $5.3 billion, it’s lookin’ mighty spiffy. 📈

According to blockchain paparazzi at Arkham Intelligence, at the very punctual hour of 09:18 UTC, Sun’s wallet (0x5AB-because nothing screams “trustworthy” like a cryptic alphanumeric) sent a cool $8.89 million over to another address, which promptly got slapped with the blacklist equivalent of a digital time-out. Red flags? More like red fireworks. 🎆

Sifting through the earnings report, there amid the pages gilded with the ink of ambition, investors discovered a trove-or perhaps a Pandora’s box: $90.8 million nestled in a Bitcoin ETF, part of a cash mountain rising to $1.6 billion. The CEO, Dylan Field, offered reassurance as only one who is not a Russian novelist can: “We’re not trying to be Michael Saylor here,” he proclaimed, evoking the specter of crypto maximalists with the same casual indifference as a farmer discussing last year’s harvest. One pictured a man gazing at the horizon, wondering if the next storm will bring rain or only more headlines on financial news sites.

Under the enlightened guidance of Chair Atkins, the agency has wisely cast aside the rather controversial method of “regulation by enforcement.” It seems that the reign of former SEC overlord, Mr. Gary Gensler, will be remembered not as a time of benevolence, but rather as a period characterized by a fanciful yet rigorous imposition of rules. One must admire the dramatic flair! 🎭

Fireblocks, the digital asset platform that whispers sweet nothings to enterprises, unveiled its “Network for Payments” on Sept. 4-a tapestry of APIs and connections designed to let institutions shuffle stablecoins and fiat across local rails and blockchains. The company boasts of herding $200 billion monthly in stablecoin flows, with 40 providers and 300 payment firms in over 100 countries already in its thrall. 🤑

The surge in protocol revenue is largely due to its newly introduced creator fee model, which has injected a magical potion of demand into PUMP. If the technical indicators are to be believed, the token’s momentum is strong enough to make even the most skeptical wizard reconsider their stance. 🧙‍♂️