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Ethereum’s up by 1.24% today. What does that mean? Well, if you own a whole ETH: congratulations, you can now treat yourself to an extra side of guac. Live a little!

DFDV UK, with the enthusiasm of a bloodhound after a particularly juicy leg of mutton, will be amassing and hoarding Solana and its digital companions, such as the enigmatic Dogwifhat. Moreover, they shall lend their support to platforms like Kraken, ensuring transactions are validated with the precision of a butler polishing silver. One wonders if they’ll also start validating their own sanity, but we shall see.

The plot? Well, it involves an Indian businessman, Shailesh Bhatt, who was a victim of an entirely “traditional” crime: he got kidnapped for Bitcoin. But not just any Bitcoin. We’re talking about the kind of crypto that makes techies break into a cold sweat, the kind that came from a now-defunct $900 million BitConnect investment. It’s like a treasure map, only instead of X marking the spot, it’s a long string of numbers.

According to the fancy folks at Globe News Wire, this latest stunt is about give-in investors a peek at Hyperliquid-a decentralized exchange that’s supposed to redefine how blockchain and crypto stuff works. Think of it as the tech whiz kid on the playground, jumping higher than all the rest. The flat fee? Just 2.50%. Because what’s a little extra for riding the rollercoaster of the crypto jungle? 🎢

Meanwhile, the SHIB team is over here giving life advice like they’re Oprah with a crypto degree. “Hold strong through the storm,” they say. Yeah, sure, just like I held strong through that gluten-free phase. How’d that end? With a pizza binge, that’s how. 🍕🤷‍♂️

Bitcoin, that brooding giant, collapsed to $108,498 by Friday, as if testing the depths of the existential abyss, dropping more than 3.6% in a tragic, single act worthy of Chekhov. Ethereum, ever hopeful, did not outlast the evening, retreating 5% to $4,285. The week ended with the dignity of a lost umbrella-thanks to ominous macroeconomic winds and the Federal Reserve who, frankly, cannot be trusted to know what they’re doing.

Tether, in its infinite wisdom, listened to feedback from the communities that still use these blockchains and decided not to freeze the tokens. So, yes, you can still transfer USDT between wallets on these chains. However, Tether itself will stop issuing new tokens or redeeming old ones on them. In short, the tokens will remain usable for transfers, but they won’t be “officially supported” like USDT on major blockchains such as Ethereum or Tron. It’s like being the cool kid at school but not having a seat at the popular table.

Let’s rewind: Since last November, XRP pulled a Houdini and outperformed Solana by over 400%. (That’s the financial equivalent of pulling bunnies out of hats…) Now, XRP sits pretty in the top-three club. But while XRP was doing magic tricks, public firms running treasuries started catching the Solana fever.

Now, according to our not-so-secretive sources (that’s just Fortune with a fancy hat), investors are warming up to this idea faster than a dog can chase its tail! The big plan is to plow money directly into the ever-so-charming Dogecoin token. But wait! The launch time is as mysterious as a cat in a hat-nobody seems to know when it’s happening! The House of Doge, the meme-tastic headquarters for all things Dogecoin, has decided to play the silent game. Someone must have told them silence is golden. 🤫

Enter DeFitracer, a market analyst with a flair for drama (and Twitter-sorry, X). He’s scratching his head over why Bitcoin is tanking despite what he calls a “cornucopia of bullish blessings.” Record ETF inflows? Check. Anticipated Fed rate cuts? Double check. Yet, the market is hemorrhaging value faster than a debutante at a champagne fountain. Why, you ask? According to DeFitracer, it’s all Binance’s fault-or rather, their alleged accomplice, Wintermute, a market maker with a name that sounds like a Bond villain.