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In a land where the digital and the absurd intertwine, China has proclaimed that iris-scanning and other such folly are threats to its national grandeur. 🧿 A statement, as cryptic as a Gogol novella, emerged from the depths of WeChat, courtesy of the Chinese Ministry of State Security (MSS). It read, with a wink and a nudge:

In language so dry it could cure a raisin, the SEC declared that these liquid staking activities don’t fall under the purview of the Securities Act of 1933 or the Securities Exchange Act of 1934. Fancy that! Participants, it seems, can breathe a sigh of relief and avoid the bureaucratic nightmare of registering their transactions. Huzzah for small mercies!

After five days of deliberation-an eternity in the realm of justice-the jurors, initially paralyzed by their own indecision, finally emerged with a verdict. Prosecutors, in a bid to coax the jury from their stupor, implored Judge Katherine Polk Failla to encourage further deliberation, as if they were trying to awaken a slumbering giant. Inner City Press, ever the diligent chronicler, reported on this legal odyssey.

quicker transactions, Soroban smarts, bridges spanning chains like socialites at a ball. The doctors of code whisper that Pi-currently v19-may vault straight to v23 in a single bound. Such prowess, they declare, will bolster cross-chain compatibility and, presumably, general morale.

According to an excruciatingly earnest Binance Research missive (delivered to CryptoMoon, perhaps by footman), tokenized stocks have soared to a market capitalization of $370 million by the end of July. Stealing the show is Exodus Movement (EXOD), galloping ahead with $260 million-leaving the rest of the field to squabble over a still-impressive $53.6 million, which, dear reader, amounts to a 220% leap in a single month. Champagne bottles, one presumes, are at risk of shortage.

Blockchain security firms Lookonchain, PeckShield, and Scam Sniffer have been on the case, and they’ve traced the heist back to a phishing attack so sneaky, it could make a fox blush. The poor soul unknowingly signed a malicious transfer, draining their wallet of Aave-wrapped USDT (aEthUSDT). It’s like giving a thief the keys to your safe and saying, “Help yourself!” 😅

The report, which you can find at bitcointreasuries.net, reveals that the total holdings of all monitored entities-be they companies, exchange-traded funds (ETFs), governments, or funds-have reached a remarkable 3.64 million BTC by the end of the month. Public companies alone are hoarding 955,048 BTC, while their private counterparts clutch 292,364 BTC like a child with a favorite toy.

The Philippines, with its growing reputation as a crypto-friendly haven in Southeast Asia, and the possibility of Donald Trump gracing the summit with his presence, presents a rather intriguing tableau. It seems the stars are aligning for investors to explore emerging crypto projects-before they inevitably capture the world’s attention and perhaps the heart of Mr. Trump himself. 🤷‍♂️

After a pretty decent show towards the end of July, Dogecoin’s price decided to take a little holiday and dip to about $0.20. But don’t start throwing out your Doge memes just yet-these whales are biding their time, maybe plotting a comeback. Or just having a whale-sized fun. 🤔🧐

In this saga, the measure of altcoin hope starts, as all great Russian novels do, with a gloomy number: Bitcoin dominance. Once it basked at the lofty height of 66%-now it limps along, trailing a classic bear flag behind. The price, much like a fickle countess, teases with higher highs and lows, yet the end appears predestined: a likely breakdown, possibly sooner than you can say “Russian bear market.” The sturdy support at 60% waits below, an almost comforting threshold, while more hysterical whisperers tell ghost stories of a plunge to 57%. Where’s Pierre when you need him?