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Apparently, the breach was first detected on June 23, 2024, but Bitcoin Depot kept it on the down-low for over a year, citing “federal procedures” and “law enforcement investigations” as the reason for the secrecy. Because, you know, it’s not like customers have a right to know when their data has been compromised or anything. 🙄

Fidelity’s FBTC is trotting along behind—adorable—with $12 billion in inflows. Cute. Meanwhile, Grayscale’s GBTC has taken “negative equity” as a lifestyle. It’s hemorrhaging money like someone tried to pay rent in Monopoly dollars—$23 billion out the window, to be precise. (Don’t worry Grayscale, we’ve all made regrettable financial decisions. Some of us just didn’t press release them.)

Upon the conclusion of the ICO, the second and third-largest allocations shall be bestowed upon the community (24%) and team (20%), in a spirit of great generosity 🎁.

But, you may ask, what about Telegram trading bots? 🤔 Well, my curious companion, these bots are the crème de la crème of the trading bot world. They can execute trades based on set parameters, mirror other traders’ transactions, and even participate in token giveaways across various blockchains. 🎁 It’s like having your own personal trading butler, minus the sassy attitude and constant requests for raises. 🤣

The ambient mood was less Bacchanalian than a hesitant first sip of borscht: only 31% of headlines wore a positive grin, 41% loitered in the beige purgatory of neutrality, while 28% retreated behind smudged spectacles, frowning at the crypto-madness.

Behold the spectacle: Pudgy Penguins (PENGU) surged 23% in a single day, pecking at the air with a longing not seen since January 29. Its followers, clutching bags heavier than a Siberian exile’s sack, saw returns of 125% since the previous month’s bottom — and 370% higher than their year-to-date despair. “How?” you wonder, munching on dry bread. Simple: the penguin saw a fish, leapt, and every other creature scrambled after it, desperate not to starve.

And of course, it didn’t take long for the internet to erupt. Enter Hunter Horsley, CEO of Bitwise, who, in a moment of profound contemplation—or perhaps a caffeine-fueled epiphany—wondered if Ripple was morphing into something entirely different: an “XRP treasury company.” Is it a bold prediction? A slight overstatement? The crypto world had *feelings* about this. Some were all in, seeing it as a big, bold bet on Ripple’s future. Others, not so much—thinking, “Eh, let’s hold the hype train for just a second.” You can almost hear them muttering, “We’ve heard this story before.” 🙄

In a missive posted on the Trump-backed social media’s official account, the platform doth hint at a launch of said token “in the near future.” Ah, but what’s this? A beta test of the Patriot Package, a subscription plan of uncommon virtue, with 12 “premium, non-woke news channels” and a vast library of video-on-demand services to tickle thy fancy! 📺

“We remain constructive, especially as many traders appear underpositioned following last month’s option expiry, which led to significant exposure roll-off,” Thielen told CryptoMoon on Wednesday, with a hint of a smile, suggesting that Bitcoin (BTC) could hit a staggering $133,000 by September. 🚀

As the American crypto bazaar known as Coinbase coughed and spluttered into temporary darkness, the streets (or rather, the alleys of Twitter) brimmed with prophetic utterances and caffeinated gifs. Foresight or mass delusion? The debate raged on while Bitcoin gleefully pirouetted upwards, dragging wallets in its wake.