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Behold, BlackRock-the Leviathan of asset management-whose BUIDL treasury fund (a name so painfully crypto it hurts) has swollen to $500 million. Built on Ethereum (via Securitize, because even giants need training wheels), it settles on-chain while maintaining the regulatory rigor of a Swiss boarding school. Naturally, it’s now the largest tokenized treasury product-a title as thrilling as “World’s Most Exciting Spreadsheet.”

On January 10, TRM dropped a bombshell in its upcoming 2026 Crypto Crime Report, revealing that illicit cryptocurrency inflows hit an all-time high of $158 billion in 2025-145% higher than last year! 📉📈 The report, penned by the TRM Team, notes that while the absolute volume surged, its share of total crypto activity dipped to a measly 1.2% of overall volume. How quaint! 💸

Ah, the sweet stench of revolution! Polymarket’s gamblers, those modern-day oracles with wallets fatter than their consciences, now decree a 60% chance Ayatollah Ali Khamenei will be shown the exit by 2026. A 25% surge in odds since December-when the market was as stable as a drunk tightrope walker-signals Tehran’s political pot is boiling over. 🍲💨

Investors, those modern-day alchemists, now chase high-beta dreams. Yet while traditional markets take years to inflate, crypto bursts like a champagne bottle in a frenzy. For the brave souls seeking pure, high-octane upside, Maxi Doge (MAXI) is the one project to watch-because nothing says “hope” like a 1,000x multiplier in a world where even the air is expensive. 🚀

According to people who claim to understand finance (a dubious group at best), U is a “next-generation stablecoin” – which is finance-speak for “we made a coin and really hope it stays glued to $1.” It’s supposedly backed 1:1 by cash and other stablecoins, which is either a genius idea or the prelude to a very awkward press release. Only time (and a few margin calls) will tell. ⏳💣

It seems someone, somewhere, was doing something they shouldn’t have been doing with USDT on the Tron blockchain. Tether, in a move that was definitely not subtle, simply…stopped it. Like hitting pause on a particularly embarrassing reality show.

The Gist, For Those Who Can’t Be Bothered

Let’s be honest: Bitcoin peaked at $91,500 like a high school quarterback who peaked at prom, then immediately started a downward spiral. It dipped below $92k, then $91,200, and eventually found itself muttering apologies on a park bench near $89,225.

One might have expected a scandal of genuine substance. Instead, we have this. 🤷

There comes Tom Lee’s Bitmine, the knight of the blockchain with a steely gaze upon Ethereum, thrusting an impressive 86,400 ETH, valued at a cool $266.3M, into the crumbling castle walls of staking-a castle totalling 1,080,512 ETH, worth close to $3.33B. This is not your everyday gamble in the casino of volatility; rather, it is a strategic bet wrapped in the silk of long-term stability.