In a grand spectacle of modern finance, BPCE-a titan of euros and bearer of the second-largest financial crown in France-announces that its loyal subjects may now purchase Bitcoin, Ethereum, Solana, and USDC directly within their mobile apps, beginning Monday, Dec. 8. A feat of bureaucratic alchemy, this move transforms the humble banking app into a portal for digital gold seekers. One might ask, “Is this progress or a plot by the Bank of Mom and Pop to lull us into a crypto-induced slumber?”
🔴 EXCLUSIVE @TheBigWhale_: BPCE now lets customers buy crypto assets.
Starting this Monday, the French bank’s customers will be able to purchase BTC, ETH, SOL, and USDC: @GroupeBPCE, one of Europe’s leading banks, is rolling out this service in a first…
– Raphaël Bloch 🐳 (@Raph_Bloch) December 6, 2025
According to the esteemed Raphaël Bloch, co-founder of TheBigWhale and a man who probably knows where the missing euros went, the rollout begins on Dec. 8 with four regional banks, targeting two million clients. A trial, they call it. A “phased approach,” as if launching a crypto service is less terrifying than a new tax law. Banque Populaire Île-de-France and Caisse d’Épargne Provence-Alpes-Côte d’Azur lead the charge, though one wonders if they’ve been bribed with extra baguettes.
By 2026, BPCE plans to unleash this marvel across all 29 regional banks-assuming the initial cohort doesn’t vanish into the void of bad trades. For €2.99 per month, clients may now juggle digital assets in a new account, while Hexarq, the bank’s crypto subsidiary, performs the service like a clown school graduate. Trading fees? A modest 1.5%. Because nothing says “trust us” like charging for the privilege of losing money.
MiCA Implementation
The timing? Perfectly choreographed with the EU’s MiCA regulations, a bureaucratic tango France is leading with the grace of a tipsy ballerina. Gemini, the U.S. exchange, recently secured approval, proving even Americans can’t resist the French flair for financial chaos. Meanwhile, the National Assembly debates an “unproductive wealth” tax on crypto-because what’s wealth if it’s not taxed twice?
The proposed tax, championed by MP Jean-Paul Mattei, passed narrowly in October 2025. Now it dances through the Senate, where politicians will likely argue over whether “unproductive” means “crypto” or “my weekend nap.” If enacted, the tax will begin on Jan. 1, 2026. A fitting New Year’s resolution: tax the future while the present burns. 🤷♂️🔥
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2025-12-06 23:36