Indeed, Coinbase (COIN) has announced its foray into the realm of perpetual stock futures for the eligible non-U.S. retail and institutional traders, thereby opening the floodgates of its derivatives product line into the vast ocean of U.S. equities.
The World Gold Council, that august conductor of glitter, helped launch SPDR Gold Shares (GLD) in 2004. That fund now stands, venerable and unbothered, at $163 billion. Tether Gold (XAUT) and Pax Gold (PAXG) – the two dominant tokenized gold progeny in crypto – together hold close to $5 billion. The gulf between those two sums constitutes the entire argument for why “Gold as a Service” exists, like a pompous epigraph to a grandiose thesis.
In a nutshell:
According to a Bloomberg report-that bastion of truth in a sea of lies-both firms have concocted baskets of listed companies tied to private credit. JPMorgan’s basket, in its infinite wisdom, focuses on alternative managers and BDCs. A masterpiece of financial engineering, no doubt, designed to siphon wealth from the unsuspecting masses.
On a gloomy Wednesday, the Algorand Foundation announced its grand cull, blaming the global markets’ tantrums and crypto’s stubborn sulk. “Painful but necessary,” they sighed, like a dentist pulling a tooth. “We’ve aligned our spending with our dreams-now we’re lean, mean, and slightly less staffed.”
Conducted in 2026 (yes, that’s the future, but let’s pretend it’s not a time-travel typo), the study surveyed banks, asset managers, fintechs, and corporate treasuries. Spoiler: Stablecoins and tokenization are the new hotness. Who knew?
BTC, the largest cryptocurrency, jumped to $70,800, up more than 1% on the day, extending its recovery from overnight lows under $68,900, according to CoinDesk data. Other major coins, including ether (ETH), XRP (XRP), and solana (SOL), saw smaller gains of less than 1%, lagging behind bitcoin like a group of overworked mules trying to keep up with a racehorse.
A screenshot making the digital rounds-shared by the FBI’s New York office, because why not-shows a scam token delivering messages straight out of a dystopian thriller. The text claims your crypto wallet is “under investigation” and threatens a “total block on assets.” Because nothing says “trust us” like a surprise audit from a random stranger in the blockchain equivalent of a trench coat.
According to the ever-eloquent Pumpius (a name that screams “trust me, I’m an expert”), the SEC and CFTC have finally gotten their act together and declared XRP a digital commodity. This is apparently a big deal, though I’m still trying to figure out why anyone cares what these acronym-loving bureaucrats think. But hey, if it means XRP can stop being the punchline of every crypto joke, I suppose we should raise a glass of lukewarm champagne.
