Them Bitcoin miners traded on U.S. exchanges had themselves a right solid Friday, keepin’ up with the big boys of the stock market. IREN Limited, the biggest dog in the yard with a market cap of $11.31 billion, closed at $39.92, baggin’ an 11.50% gain. Over the past five days, it slipped 0.52%, but who’s countin’ when the year-to-date gain is a whopping 306.51%? That’s what I call a gold-plated performance! 🏆
According to CoinGecko’s 2025 report, this rollercoaster ride was fueled by the “PolitiFi” craze-because nothing says ‘financial stability’ like a token named TRUMP. But let’s be real: LIBRA (linked to Argentina’s president) didn’t exactly inspire confidence. By November 2025, the whole shebang had tanked to $47.2 billion. Yikes! 📉
According to this investor, Ripple’s escrow is a right proper chessboard move, plotted years back for the big banks’ tea party. And mark my words-when them NDAs start dissolving like sugar in rain, we might see more secrets spill than a gossip at a church potluck.
If you thought hackers were just after your Robux, think again! They’ve graduated from stealing virtual hats to stealing your actual life savings. Welcome to the “adult Roblox” era, where the only thing being robbed is your financial dignity. 🚨
Hilbert Group (HILB), a Swedish investment firm specializing in algorithmic trading within the cryptocurrency market, has gobbled up the hyperactive high-frequency trading platform Enigma Nordic in a $32 million deal. Imagine a squirrel hoarding acorns, but with more spreadsheets and fewer nuts. 🐿️📊
“Democracy in app creation!” declares Lomesh Dutta, vice president of growth at the Dfinity Foundation, with a flourish of his rhetorical quill. “Custom-tailored experiences, constantly updated by AI, shall liberate us from the chains of centralized servers!” One can almost hear the echoes of a Russian novel in his words, though perhaps with a touch more optimism than our dear Turgenev might allow. 🌟
“The Senate,” she lamented, “is a marathon, but I’m a sprinter!” At 71, who could blame her? After enduring the “exhausting session weeks” of 2025-the political equivalent of herding cats-she’s opted for early retirement. One imagines her fleeing the Capitol, trailing a cape labeled “I YIELD TO NO ONE (BUT MAYBE FATIGUE).”
Now, let’s chat about SHIB, shall we? This cheeky little coin has taken a tumble, down by a whole 1% since yesterday. Why, you might as well call it a gentle breeze rather than a storm! 🌪️
In the shadow of the digital abyss, the odds of Bitcoin (BTC) touching the $80,000 level were at 83% among traders on the decentralized prediction market Polymarket. This indicates a high level of confidence that this level will be reached before any move toward $150,000. 🕵️♂️
Turns out, ZEC holders are like that one friend who stays calm during a group project meltdown. 🧘♂️ While other altcoins are sweating, Zcash is sipping a latte, all “I got this.”
