Cryptonews

According to Saylor, Bitcoin’s charm lies in its ethereal nature. “It’s not physical!” he exclaimed, as though revealing the punchline to a cosmic joke. “No tariffs in cyberspace!” Apparently, gold has been too busy being heavy, slow, and generally inconvenient to keep up with Bitcoin’s intergalactic swagger. “You try shipping gold across an ocean,” he quipped, clearly envisioning a world where pirates are replaced by Excel spreadsheets. “Now you’re getting tariffed!” 😈💸

Behold, a memecoin that doth not merely wish to ride the coattails of Dogecoin or Shiba Inu but seeks to out-fart them all! And oh, what jest is this? They aim to surpass even the mighty BONK and PENGU in hype. Sacré bleu!

Judge Michael “Let-Make-This-Interesting” Fitzgerald stamped “motion approved” on Wednesday faster than you can say “pump-and-dump matzo ball soup.” That means the cases in New York, California, Florida, and (what exit?) New Jersey march on, but a cross-country stampede of angry investors? Denied faster than last year’s NFT fad.

One might have expected the digital world to tremble at such a pronouncement, yet the market for bitcoin, that enigmatic currency of the future, remained as serene as a lake on a windless morning. Despite the tariff tempest unleashed by the Trump administration at the stroke of midnight, bitcoin’s value continued to float around the $116K mark, much as it had done for the past 24 hours, indifferent to the political storms that raged around it.

ETH’s up 8% this week, 50% in a month-yet it’s still 18% shy of its 2021 peak. *Yawn* Priorities, people. But hey, at least it’s not Bitcoin, which is stuck at $116k like it’s 2020 again. 🙄

Market watchers are going nuts, thinking the legendary altcoin season is just around the corner. It’s been a whopping 241 days since the last one-way longer than the usual 66-day gap. Traders are scratching their heads, wondering if this next run will be worth the wait. The Altcoin Season Index (ASI) on blockchaincenter.net acts as a market barometer, showing whether traders are betting on altcoins or sticking with good ol’ bitcoin. It tracks the top 50 cryptocurrencies, but leaves out those boring stablecoins.

Ether hits $4,000 for the first time since December 2024, making everyone in the crypto world do a double-take. 😂

Sam Altman leaned back in his ergonomic garden bench, puffed out his cheeks, and murmured, “Good heavens, I finally found an interlocutor who speaks gooder than I.” Said paragon, Chat GPT-5, has been foisted upon an unsuspecting world without even a polite knock at the door. 🙂

The never-ending tango between the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) and Ripple Labs has officially hit its final bow. In a joint filing to the Second Circuit Court of Appeals, both parties agreed to drop their appeals. And just like that, one of the most dramatic episodes in crypto history ends-not with a bang, but with a bureaucratic whimper. 📜✨

On this fine day, August 8, 2025, Ethereum (ETH) boasts a market cap of $470.8 billion-12.2% of the crypto economy’s $3.87 trillion pie. Over the last 24 hours, $32.5 billion worth of ETH changed hands, dancing between $3,806 and $3,972. But beware, dear reader: greed is a dangerous game. The rally triggered liquidations totaling $103.10 million, with short-sellers getting absolutely wrecked to the tune of $76.15 million. 😅 Poor souls!