Cryptonews

In conclusion, dear Shibarian pilgrims:

Rejoice in your billion and a half receipts, but remember the eternal lesson from every Russian novel:

No spreadsheet ever saved a soul.

Still-if the spreadsheet buys you one more hour before the creditors arrive, who are we to scoff? 😉

At the Baltic Honeybadger conference in Riga, Woo decided to lay it all out on the table:

Bitcoin surged nearly 4%, climbing from a casual $119,000 to an extravagant $122,319. It’s almost like watching a drunk uncle at a wedding trying to hit the high note in “My Way.” But alas, it fell just short of its all-time high of $123,091 set back in July. Close, but no cigar. Or should I say, close, but no blockchain? 🚬

In a plot twist worthy of a Netflix binge, Abraxas – managing a cool $3 billion, no biggie – decided to short BTC, ETH, Solana (SOL), SUI Network (SUI), and Hyperliquid (HYPE). Because, you know, hedging is just adulting for rich people. But guess what? Their positions were about as stable as a Jenga tower after three mimosas. 🥂🤦‍♀️

The mysterious Total2 chart-think of it as the all-coin club minus Bitcoin-gives us a weekly peek at the teeny tiny universe of every crypto except the big guy. It’s signaling that these altcoins are standing on tiptoe, ready to leap out of a descending trendline that’s been hanging around since the 2021 autumn leaf drop. They’ve been hiking on the higher lows trail, but to reach the coveted higher high, they’ll need to break that trendline-like trying to escape from a clingy ex who just won’t let go.

But Hayes didn’t stop there. Oh no. He’s gone full-tilt into DeFi, scooping up 425,000 Lido DAO (LDO) tokens ($557,000), 420,000 ETHFi tokens ($517,000), and 185,000 Pendle (PENDLE) tokens ($1.01 million). It’s like he’s betting on a bumper crop of altcoins, though whether he’s a prophet or just a man with a restless wallet is anyone’s guess. 🤔

The crypto market this week decided to act less like a dignified financial system and more like a toddler on a sugar high. Total market cap? Oh, it soared past $4 trillion-because why stop at $3.9 trillion when you can aim higher? Bitcoin hit a 10-day high near $118,500, thanks to whale activity and what I imagine were some very caffeinated traders. Meanwhile, Ethereum broke through the $4,300 barrier faster than a jackrabbit fleeing a hound dog. Altcoins like XRP joined the party too, proving once again that in crypto, everyone gets invited-even Ripple, which finally resolved its SEC saga after years of courtroom drama fit for a soap opera.

Turns out, the big whales are back at it-moving more than $16 million worth of ETH to Kraken right after Ethereum broke out of a multi-year triangle pattern that’s been quietly forming since 2021. Many experts are
whispering that this breakout is the real deal, with price targets soaring to $15,000-possibly a 372% rise from where we are now. Yes, you read that correctly: three hundred and seventy-two percent! Everyone loves a good rocket ride, don’t they? 🚀

With the air of a man dissecting a particularly amusing farce, Pal divided the crypto landscape into three tiers of folly: the “idiot-proof” layer-1s, the “middle”-a veritable quagmire of DeFi esoterica-and the pièce de résistance, the “Moron Trade.” “Not an insult, mind you,” he assured, “merely an observation of the nouveau riche’s penchant for the cheapest trinkets in the window.” 🛍️🤡

Now, don’t go thinking this Doge has lost its luster. Sure, it ain’t broken its all-time high, but it’s still got more pep than a flea at a dog show. Back in January 2025, the ol’ boy hit $5.5 billion-its crowning moment before it came crashing down like a house of cards in a tornado. Then, in July 2025, it looked like it might claw its way back to glory, but nope-just $5.35 billion before it spiraled faster than a politician’s promises. 🤡