The “reclaiming $3,000 support” narrative is cute, but let’s be real: this is just Ethereum’s way of saying, “Hey, I’m still here, but also… I’m not.” Crypto analyst Dona has helpfully mapped out this two-year “range” of chaos, suggesting Ethereum might bottom at $2,187. Because nothing says “confidence” like betting on a number that sounds like a cursed lottery ticket. 🎲
Behind the scenes, these tokens are doing more than just floating on the blockchain. Here’s the rundown! 🕵️♂️
The “superapp” trend, which turned Asian tech giants into gods of convenience, is now waltzing into the West with a mix of “UX preferences” and “clearer regulations.” Exchanges are betting their entire future on being the app you open first-because who needs a wallet when you can just swipe right on a crypto superapp? 💸
Ah, StraitsX, the stablecoin wizards of Singapore, are up to their old tricks again! In early 2026, they’ll be parachuting XSGD and XUSD onto the Solana blockchain, thanks to a jolly partnership with the Solana Foundation. Their mission? To make settling Singapore dollars and US dollars as easy as pie, with speed and cost so low you’ll think it’s magic. 🥧✨
Binance, that modern-day Prometheus of finance, has once again lit the torch of speculation with the addition of XRP/USD1. USD1, this “fiat-backed digital asset,” is a curious beast-a $2.71 billion monument to financial obfuscation, where the dollar’s essence is distilled into code, only to be traded like any other commodity. 🤖💸
Enter the SHIB 1k Index, a financial contraption so refined it could make a Swiss banker blush. Now available to U.S. traders via Coinbase Derivatives, these perpetual futures promise all the thrill of gambling with Monopoly money-but with real dollars and a compliance officer whispering sweet nothings about transparency. Retail? Institutional? Why not both! As long as you’ve got a Futures Commission Merchant on speed dial.
While Coinbase (COIN) stock corrected over 6% on that dark December day, it still managed to lure the institutional lemmings, with Cathie Wood leading the charge. According to the ever-watchful Ark Invest Tracker, her firm scooped up 64,946 COIN shares, a modest $16.3 million investment. A drop in the ocean, one might say, but a drop nonetheless. This spree was distributed across her beloved funds: the Ark Innovation ETF (ARKK), the ARK Next Generation Internet ETF (ARKW), and the ARK Blockchain & Fintech Innovation ETF (ARKF). A trifecta of hope, or perhaps, hubris. 🚀🤡
In a stroke of bureaucratic genius (or tyranny, depending on whom you ask), Chinese authorities tightened the leash on Bitcoin mining, snuffing out 1.3 GW of mining capacity. In Xinjiang, 400,000 miners were ushered offstage, reducing global Bitcoin mining power by a modest 8%. Bravo, China, bravo! 👏
But, and this is a big ‘but’, don’t start selling your crypto just yet. Grayscale’s report assures us we’ve got a bit of breathing room. Like, several years’ worth. They reckon these quantum computers powerful enough to crack Bitcoin’s code and just…make up signatures, are still a good seven or eight years off. Which, in internet time, is practically an eternity. It’s like worrying about robots taking your job when you’re still trying to figure out how to program the TV remote.
Their brilliant plan? Lend more to small businesses. Because those poor little entrepreneurs hadn’t already taken out 420,000 loans from PayPal’s “$30 billion splurge” (2013-today). Now they’ll get “interest-bearing savings” and “FDIC insurance” if some poor regulator survives the paperwork. 🥺