Cryptonews

While Coinbase (COIN) stock corrected over 6% on that dark December day, it still managed to lure the institutional lemmings, with Cathie Wood leading the charge. According to the ever-watchful Ark Invest Tracker, her firm scooped up 64,946 COIN shares, a modest $16.3 million investment. A drop in the ocean, one might say, but a drop nonetheless. This spree was distributed across her beloved funds: the Ark Innovation ETF (ARKK), the ARK Next Generation Internet ETF (ARKW), and the ARK Blockchain & Fintech Innovation ETF (ARKF). A trifecta of hope, or perhaps, hubris. 🚀🤡

In a stroke of bureaucratic genius (or tyranny, depending on whom you ask), Chinese authorities tightened the leash on Bitcoin mining, snuffing out 1.3 GW of mining capacity. In Xinjiang, 400,000 miners were ushered offstage, reducing global Bitcoin mining power by a modest 8%. Bravo, China, bravo! 👏

But, and this is a big ‘but’, don’t start selling your crypto just yet. Grayscale’s report assures us we’ve got a bit of breathing room. Like, several years’ worth. They reckon these quantum computers powerful enough to crack Bitcoin’s code and just…make up signatures, are still a good seven or eight years off. Which, in internet time, is practically an eternity. It’s like worrying about robots taking your job when you’re still trying to figure out how to program the TV remote.

Their brilliant plan? Lend more to small businesses. Because those poor little entrepreneurs hadn’t already taken out 420,000 loans from PayPal’s “$30 billion splurge” (2013-today). Now they’ll get “interest-bearing savings” and “FDIC insurance” if some poor regulator survives the paperwork. 🥺

Ah! Le triste destin de nos monnaies numériques ce matin! 136 milliards envolés, Bitcoin sous les 88 000, voilà le spectacle! Et les 381 millions de liquidations? Une farce tragique où les spéculateurs jouent au chat et à la souris. Le marché zigzague comme un canard saoul, entre 2.85T et 3.2T, sans jamais vraiment s’arrêter. Et les actions? Elles roupillent sous 0,3%. Évidemment, la vie c’est ça: un théâtre de folie! 🤡💸

Japan’s digital finance strategy is gaining momentum, which frankly, is terrifying. SBI Holdings is partnering with Startale Group to develop this… contraption. Apparently, it’s a sign of “growing institutional confidence.” Confidence in what, I ask you?! The blockchain?! It’s a willingness to strengthen Japan’s position in compliant digital asset markets. Compliance! They’re obsessed with compliance! It’s enough to make a man verklempt.

Amidst the swirling mists of financial surveillance and privacy, the SEC hosted a congregation of crypto and finance sages – a sixth roundtable this year! Perhaps they thought the magic number was lucky? 🎰

CME Group has waltzed onto the cryptocurrency stage, making quite the entrance with these new spot-quoted XRP and SOL futures. Following the enthusiastic applause for spot-quoted Bitcoin and Ether contracts, they’ve clearly decided to keep the party going. This move is all about making it easier for everyday traders-because who doesn’t want a bit of regulated fun in their lives, right?

Remember when the SEC was the big bad wolf, huffing and puffing at crypto firms? Well, now it’s more like a fluffy lamb, letting Binance, the world’s crypto kingpin, off the hook. Poof! Case dismissed! 🎉 And Ripple Labs? Oh, they got a discount on their fine. How generous of the SEC! 😏

Now, this whole thing is like a bad sitcom plot that just won’t end. It’s sparked yet another round of heated debates about whether cryptocurrencies are just fancy tools for hiding dirty money. And guess what? This brings up the question of whether other folks in the crypto circus, like Tornado Cash’s Roman Storm, might get a little presidential love too. Spoiler alert: probably not! 😏