Cryptonews

Once upon a midnight dreary, filled with excitement and perhaps a hasty decision, a poor soul—let’s call them Ivan—purchased what appeared to be a “sealed, brand-new” hardware wallet from the enigmatic realm of Douyin, the Chinese version of TikTok. Alas, Ivan found themselves a victim of a staggering $6.9 million crypto heist, for the fates had conspired against them, and all their funds vanished into the ether faster than one could say “digital fool.” 🤦‍♂️

Tell me, dear reader, when has a former president’s accidental cryptocurrency fortune not been amusing? 🃏

Because nothing says “stable economy” like letting politicians name bills after words they clearly don’t understand. GENIUS? CLARITY? Next up: the HONESTY Act (sponsored entirely by lobbyists). ✨

They bought 19,683 ETH. Let that sink in. Nineteen thousand, six hundred and eighty-three. I can barely keep track of my socks. The press release – oh, the press releases! – droned on about “deepening exposure” and “long-term strategy.” It’s always a long-term strategy, isn’t it? Like saving for retirement when you’re currently living off ramen noodles and the occasional inheritance check. 🍜

Thumzup Media Corporation (Nasdaq: TZUP) has received board approval to hold up to $250 million in digital assets. The approved cryptocurrencies include bitcoin, ether, solana, ripple, dogecoin, litecoin, and the stablecoin USDC. A curated collection of the sacred cows of the digital age, no doubt.

The IMF was all like, “Hold up, guys, your Bitcoin balance is still the same 🤔,” despite El Salvador’s Bitcoin Office being all, “We’re buying BTC daily, y’all! 📈” The discrepancies in their wallet reserves are just a result of some creative accounting 🎨, not actual Bitcoin purchases.

Bitcoin mining rigs are generating noticeably more value than they were just a month ago. Back then, the spot price for 1 petahash per second (PH/s) was $53.20—today, it’s clocking in at $60.49, marking a 13.7% jump in just 30 days. At an operating expense (OPEX) of $0.06 per kilowatt hour (kWh) and given today’s difficulty levels, the reigning king of ASIC miners is Bitmain’s Antminer S21e XP Hydro 3U, cranking out an impressive 860 terahash per second (TH/s).

your golden years funded not by stodgy stocks and bonds but by the whimsical dance of Bitcoin and Ethereum. 🕺💃

Mark your calendars for Wednesday, July 23, folks. That’s when the XYZ stock will officially join the big leagues, rubbing shoulders with Coinbase Global Inc., which slipped into the club back in mid-May 2025. One can almost hear the champagne corks popping—or maybe that’s just Bitcoin enthusiasts celebrating. 🎉

But amidst this financial ballet, some fascinating data has emerged from the depths of CryptoQuant. Brace yourselves, comrades, because Bitcoin’s Realised Cap – a fancy way of saying the total value of all coins based on their last sale price – has hit a new all-time high. A trillion dollars, folks. A TRILLION. 🤯