Coinbase Mysteriously “Trips” As Bitcoin Soars—Panic? Nope, Just Internet Alchemy

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Шарик, fetch the samovar! Bitcoin, that stubborn mongrel of global finance, has crashed through the $111,000 ceiling while honest citizens were sweeping their doorsteps at dawn. Our dear friends at Coinbase, never ones to miss a theatrical entrance, promptly chose this precise moment for a graceful swoon into technological oblivion. Coincidence? Certainly, if you also believe cats cannot play chess. 🐾

As the American crypto bazaar known as Coinbase coughed and spluttered into temporary darkness, the streets (or rather, the alleys of Twitter) brimmed with prophetic utterances and caffeinated gifs. Foresight or mass delusion? The debate raged on while Bitcoin gleefully pirouetted upwards, dragging wallets in its wake.

Coinbase Downtime: Omen or Comedy?

On this fine Thursday, the X (formerly Twitter, for those living under a stone) grapevine tittered with news of Coinbase collapsing like a Soviet escalator. Oddly, instead of hysteria and people hurling babushkas from windows, the crypto mob—in its wisdom—grew downright giddy. Ah, only in blockchain—where system failure is greeted with champagne and dancing bears. 🍾🐻

“Coinbase is down. OGs know what this means. Full…Send is loading,” intoned CryptoCurb, a sage revered for his ability to tweet in the middle of earthquakes.

Our hero joined a parade of digital jesters and meme-mongers, the mood whipsawing from anxiety to glee faster than a ruble in hyperinflation. Panic? Pfft! The real gamblers cheered as Bitcoin swaggered back to $111,000 in less time than it takes a Moscow waiter to ignore your table.

At this very moment, the ancient artifact known as Bitcoin trades hands for $111,172, bobbing like an enchanted duck—up 2.5% over 24 hours. At Binance, Bitcoin very nearly touched $111,999, pausing only, perhaps, to consider superstition.

Meanwhile, the Coinbase faithful (staffers included) threw themselves into the slapstick. Viktor Bunin, a protocol sorcerer, responded with that special optimism reserved for battered IT departments and desperate poets.

Fyi this tweet got shared in like 10 slack channels immediately as we had a collective “not again!”, but thankfully this time I’m pretty sure we’re only going down at $200k, not this measly pit stop.

— Viktor Bunin (@ViktorBunin) July 10, 2025

The backdrop? Almost Shakespearean. Just hours prior, the FOMC hinted at possible rate cuts—causing more drama than a jealous spouse at a dinner party. Meanwhile, Bitcoin ETFs were gulping down $218 million like thirsty stray dogs, while Ethereum—never one to lag behind—gathered $211 million and a sniff from every U.S. asset manager with a spare monocle.

“Coinbase is down, while BTC has $4 billion volume in ETFs today. Absolutely mental! Looks like a huge send is inbound! Strap up,” shouted another adventurer trembling on the edge of euphoria and insolvency.

To sprinkle more salt in the borscht, Coinbase chose the downtime to post the most cryptic message imaginable—a solitary Bitcoin symbol—uttered into the digital void, no explanation, no hint. Was it Kafkaesque performance art, or just a bored intern?

₿

— Coinbase (@coinbase) July 9, 2025

Yet, among the noise, hardened cynics began whispering conspiracies into their tea cups. Was this a deliberate game? Did Coinbase’s servers faint at the scent of profit? With so many engineers chained to their laptops, surely they can keep the lights on… or do they prefer the mystique?

“Coinbase always ‘goes down’ when there is a little bit of activity. You have to think they do it intentionally… After all this time and the resources they have, you cannot tell me they don’t have an IT team capable of keeping it running,” grumbled a user, likely clutching a tinfoil hat.

Alas, these technical hiccups have become nothing short of ritual—a kind of digital rain-dance to bring forth the bull market. Most traders now take Coinbase’s little naps as bullish signs, like a rooster crowing at midnight.

Superstition? Coincidence? Does it matter? As always, the market remains hungry, fickle, and one crypto sneeze away from buying itself a Lada. All that remains is to raise a glass to the next outage—and the next all-time high. Na zdorovie! 🥂

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2025-07-10 09:36