Behold! Coinbase, that most enterprising of crypto purveyors, has launched CFTC-regulated perpetual futures for U.S. traders via its CFM platform. A bold move, indeed, to offer such perilous delights to the masses, now blessed by the almighty CFTC!
This marks the first time American retail investors may partake in these mystical derivatives, all under the watchful eye of regulators. One might call it “progress,” though we suspect the true goal is to fill wallets while nodding solemnly at compliance.
Coinbase’s Offering
As of Monday, Coinbase joins the grand circus of exchanges peddling derivatives. “Bringing the power and efficiency of perpetual futures to a regulated American market… Huge step forward for U.S. crypto traders,” they declared on X. One must admire the poetic flourish, even if the words “regulated” and “power” rarely coexist in the same sentence.
Perpetual futures, they claim, account for 90% of global crypto derivatives volume. Yet until now, U.S. traders were left to wander the wilds of unregulated chaos. A tragedy! Or perhaps a regulatory red tape so thick, even a scythe would weep.
The contracts, now live, offer nano Bitcoin (BTC-PERP) and nano Ether (ETH-PERP) futures. These fractional contracts, with their 10x leverage and 0.02% fees, are ideal for those who fancy gambling with their savings while pretending it’s “investing.”
Available via CFM, this CFTC-sanctioned marvel boasts five-year durations—perfect for those who wish to hold positions longer than a goldfish’s attention span. And for the truly daring, 20x leverage on gold and silver futures awaits! One wonders if the CFTC keeps a ledger of how many dreams have been crushed by these numbers.
Meanwhile, Coinbase rebrands its wallet as “Base,” a platform where crypto, social features, and mini-apps converge. A masterstroke! Or perhaps a desperate attempt to distract users from the fact that their futures trading might be more volatile than a toddler on espresso.
Kraken Enters the American Derivatives Market
Coinbase’s antics arrive amid fierce competition from Kraken, which recently unveiled its own CFTC-regulated futures. “Compliant framework,” they call it. We call it a race to see who can turn Wall Street into a crypto-themed carnival first.
Kraken’s service, now available in select U.S. states, plans to expand nationwide. A noble quest! Though one suspects the real goal is to outshine Coinbase in the “who can confuse investors the most” competition.
Following its $1.5 billion acquisition of NinjaTrader, Kraken now serves two million futures investors. A Futures Commission Merchant license? Of course! Nothing says “trust us” like buying a brokerage firm and rebranding it as a crypto haven.
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2025-07-22 21:42