Crypto Chaos: U.S. Zaps Iran’s Digital Piggy Banks!

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So, the U.S. Treasury has decided to play galactic traffic cop, flagging down a couple of crypto exchanges that apparently had a bit too much Iranian tea. Yes, you heard that right-digital asset platforms linked to the Iranian regime have been handed the ultimate “You Shall Not Pass” sign. Because nothing says “intensified pressure campaign” like slapping sanctions on pixels and blockchain addresses.

The Treasury, in a move that would make a bureaucrat’s heart swell with pride, has disrupted crypto exchanges tied to Iran’s Revolutionary Guard. Zedcex Exchange and Zedxion Exchange-names that sound like they were generated by a random sci-fi title generator-are now officially persona non grata. Friday’s announcement was basically the financial equivalent of a “Game Over” screen for these platforms.

According to the Treasury Department’s press release (which, let’s be honest, probably had more jargon than a Douglas Adams footnote), this marks the first time OFAC has pointed its regulatory finger at digital asset exchanges operating in Iran’s financial sector. By 2022, these platforms had processed over 94 billion transactions-because who needs traditional banking when you can launder money in the metaverse? Several wallet addresses linked to the IRGC were, unsurprisingly, on the receiving end of these transactions. Who knew revolution could be so profitable?

Scott Bessent, the Treasury Secretary, took a moment to wag his finger at the Iranian regime, accusing them of “frantically transferring funds stolen from Iranian families into banks across the globe.” Because, you know, nothing says “we care about our people” like siphoning their money into offshore accounts. Bessent promised more action against networks using digital assets to dodge sanctions, because apparently, the Treasury is now moonlighting as the blockchain police.

Shadow Banking: The Sequel No One Asked For

Both exchanges are allegedly backed by Babak Morteza Zanjani, a man whose résumé includes embezzling billions from Iran’s National Oil Company and receiving a death sentence in 2016. Spoiler alert: his sentence was reduced in 2024, because apparently, embezzlement is a victimless crime if you’re well-connected. Now, Zanjani is funding infrastructure projects for the IRGC, because nothing says “redemption” like building railways with stolen cash.

Zedxion, in a move that screams “we’re totally legit,” listed Zanjani as a director when it registered in May 2021. The two platforms were basically the IRGC’s personal ATMs, handling wallet transactions tied to Revolutionary Guard entities. Treasury officials, armed with blockchain addresses, followed the money trail like digital bloodhounds. Spoiler: it led straight to Tehran.

You might also like: Hong Kong Enacts Stablecoin Ordinance, Begins License Processing (because why not throw in a completely unrelated financial story for good measure?)

Sanctions: The New Black

OFAC, never one to shy away from a good crackdown, has also targeted Iranian Interior Minister Eskandar Momeni Kalagari for his role in violent crackdowns. His police force, in a stunning display of restraint, only killed thousands of non-violent demonstrators. Mass arrests and forced disappearances? Just another day at the office for Iran’s security services.

Five IRGC officers got the sanctions treatment for their role in violence in Gilan province. Led by Hamid Damghani, these forces used live ammunition on unarmed demonstrators, because nothing says “public order” like a massacre. Ghorban, the provincial commander of Tehran, oversaw the execution of protesters, leaving bodies on the streets because the morgues were full. IRGC soldiers then stacked the remains in shipping containers and pickup trucks, because efficiency is key, even in genocide.

The 2025 sanctions campaign has already hit over 875 individuals, ships, and aircraft, because the Treasury is nothing if not thorough. The crackdown on money-laundering and shadow banking networks in Iran continues, with all property of sanctioned individuals in U.S. jurisdiction getting the freeze treatment. Financial institutions, take note: dealing with these entities is like playing Russian roulette, but with more paperwork.

OFAC, ever the optimist, imposes violations on a strict liability basis, aiming for behavioral change rather than punishment. Because nothing says “we mean business” like a sternly worded letter and a frozen bank account.

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2026-02-01 07:41