Crypto Sprint: Bureaucrats Race to Outdo Themselves 🏃♂️💸

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In a whirlwind of bureaucratic fervor, the US Commodity Futures Trading Commission has embarked on a “crypto sprint”—a valiant, if comically misguided, attempt to chase the ghost of Trump’s executive order. One might think they’re training for the Winter Olympics, but with spreadsheets instead of skis. 🏂

Acting CFTC chair Caroline Pham, with the solemnity of a priest at a funeral, declared the agency would “work closely” with the SEC. One wonders if they’ll also coordinate on how to finally define a “digital asset.” (Spoiler: It’s not a toaster.)

The initiatives, born from a report so dense it could double as a doorstop, aim to implement recommendations that are less “guidance” and more “alphabet soup for regulators.” The White House, in its infinite wisdom, has declared America the “crypto capital of the world”—a title we’ll accept until the next executive order renames us the “blockchain breadbasket.” 🍞

Crypto Group Makes 18 Recommendations to CFTC

The President’s Working Group, a think tank of such brilliance they could solve world hunger between meetings, delivered 18 recommendations to the CFTC. Two were direct requests, the others were just “for flavor.” The first asked the CFTC to clarify if crypto is a commodity, a task that feels like asking if water is wet. The second tasked them with amending blockchain rules—because nothing says “innovation” like red-tape gymnastics. 🤸♂️

The remaining 16 recommendations were a bureaucratic game of hot potato, tossed to the SEC, Treasury, and anyone else who looked busy. One wonders if the agencies will finally agree on what a “derivatives” is, or if they’ll just pass the buck until it’s a blockchain buck. 🐐

CFTC and SEC Told to Work Together to Police Crypto

The CFTC and SEC were instructed to “coordinate” on rulemaking, as if two agencies with a history of arguing over commas can suddenly agree on the definition of a “spot market.” They were also told to create a regulatory sandbox—a fancy term for “let’s build a cage and call it ‘flexibility.'” And yes, they must explore allowing multiple services in one interface. Good luck with that; their websites still use Comic Sans. 😅

Several recommendations even asked Congress to “clarify” jurisdiction, as if politicians aren’t already busy debating whether crypto is a currency, a commodity, or a cosmic joke. 🤡

CFTC Says It’s Already Worked on Crypto Clarity

In a statement dripping with faux optimism, Pham claimed the CFTC has already “delivered on the Administration’s promise to usher in a Golden Age of Crypto.” One can only imagine the golden age being a world where every form requires 17 signatures and a blood sacrifice. 🪓

The agency, in its infinite wisdom, met with crypto executives—probably to discuss how to make regulations so complex even they’ll need a lawyer to read them. They also scrapped “outdated advisories,” a term that makes one wonder what the old ones said about dial-up internet. 🖥️

The CFTC recently consulted on 24/7 derivatives trading, a move so groundbreaking it’s like suggesting coffee shops stay open overnight. Meanwhile, Trump nominated Brian Quintenz to lead the CFTC—a man whose crypto expertise is rivaled only by his ability to navigate Senate hearings. 🤞

Quintenz awaits a nomination hearing, which the Senate Agriculture Committee mysteriously postponed—perhaps they needed more time to Google what a “venture firm” is. 🤷♂️

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2025-08-04 07:48