Somewhere between the clang of cash registers and the distant honk of hodlers ordering more pizza, the world’s most excitable financial wizards—also known as digital asset managers—managed to funnel $1.04 billion into their favourite digital baubles last week. Yes, that’s twelve weeks straight of pouring money into these pixel-powered piggy banks, presumably on the assumption that fortune favours the brave, or at least those with strong Wi-Fi.
The real icing on this digital cake? Asset managers now sit atop an impressive pile worth $188 billion, the sort of sum that would make even Discworld’s Patrician raise an eyebrow and mutter “They’re doing what with invisible money?”
Trading volumes, meanwhile, clocked in at $16.3 billion—about average, which proves one of two things: either things are “just fine”, or everyone is far too busy refreshing the price chart every thirteen seconds to notice.
Ethereum: The New Shiny, Apparently 🚀
If CoinShares’ so-called “Weekly Report” is to be believed (and one does have to occasionally squint at these things), Bitcoin managed to vacuum up $790 million in fresh enthusiasm. Sadly, this marks a slowdown compared to the previous three weeks—proving that while FOMO is powerful, even it needs to sit down and have a cup of tea occasionally. The asset bigwigs muttered that investors are tiptoeing, spooked by Bitcoin’s approach to all-time highs, clutching their digital wallets nervously.
Speaking of nerves, short-bitcoin products only saw a paltry $0.4 million in inflows—the financial equivalent of a single chicken crossing the road and immediately regretting it.
Ethereum swaggered in with its 11th consecutive week of investors hurling money at it—$226 million this time, pumping its total binge to $2.85 billion. Statisticians noted (possibly while adjusting their pointy hats) that this was 1.6% of Ethereum’s total assets under magical management, compared to Bitcoin’s meager 0.8%. Is the winds of sentiment shifting? Or is everyone just bored of the same old Bitcoin jokes?
Next in line: Solana strutted up with $21.6 million, XRP winked with $10.6 million, and Sui bashfully accepted $1.6 million. Chainlink and Cardano, not ones to be left without a number, nabbed $0.5 million and $0.4 million each—which in digital asset terms, is enough to buy a moderately-priced enchanted spoon.
But wait! Not everyone is dancing for joy. Multi-asset products, clearly having a dramatic week, saw $12.4 million fly out the window—last seen boarding a coach headed for more exciting investments.
The Grand International Juggle 🌍
Across the great lands outside Ankh-Morpork—or what non-Discworlders call “Earth”—the United States threw a glittering party with $1 billion in inflows, Germany dabbled at $38.5 million, Switzerland jingled its coin purse at $33.7 million, and Australia tipped a respectable $4.1 million into the pot (probably while upside down).
Canada and Sweden, burdened perhaps by outdated snow or existential malaise, decided to take their investments and leave: $29.3 million and $19.2 million in outflows, respectively. Brazil and Hong Kong weren’t to be outdone, both shuffling out with $9.7 million and $3 million. No word yet if they took the biscuits with them.
And so, as the ever-turning wheel of crypto fortune spins on, the only certainty is that someone, somewhere, is writing another report. 👓💰
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2025-07-08 06:46