Global Bank Account Purge?! 😱

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Right then. It appears the Turkish government has decided that financial crime is, well, crime. A truly radical notion, I know. They’re giving Masak, which sounds suspiciously like a sort of fermented fish paste, more powers to poke around in people’s bank accounts – and, naturally, their cryptocurrency holdings. It’s all frightfully important, you see. Stopping money laundering and illegal betting. Mostly on things that involve far too much enthusiasm.

Apparently, someone told them about ‘rented’ accounts. Which are, as far as anyone can tell, accounts that aren’t actually yours but you let someone else use. Like a very complicated library book, only with more potential for upsetting the taxman. Bloomberg – those purveyors of slightly-worried news – reported on it, probably while wringing their hands. Sources remain anonymous, naturally. Because revealing yourself when discussing financial regulation is a bit like waving a red flag at a particularly grumpy accountant.

They’ve even managed to get off the ‘grey list’ of the Financial Action Task Force (FATF). A list, one assumes, consisting entirely of shades of grey. Being on it sounds terribly drab. Being off it…well, still probably drab, but with slightly more paperwork. 🎉

Crypto Accounts – Oh Dear.

If this legislation actually manages to shuffle its way through the bureaucratic hoops – a process roughly equivalent to teaching a badger to knit – Masak will be able to do all sorts of things. Close accounts, limit transactions, generally make life difficult. They’ll even blacklist crypto addresses. Which is a bit like trying to block a particularly persistent smell. It *might* work, or it might just… linger. 🤨

And those ‘mule’ accounts? Oh, they’re a nasty business. People letting criminals use their bank accounts for things like illegal gambling and scams. It’s a bit like letting a goblin run your household, really. It starts with small things, then suddenly all your spoons are missing and you’re paying double for turnips.

Crypto is still technically allowed in Turkey, but they’re giving it the sternest of looks. They’ve already blocked a few platforms, including one called PancakeSwap. Which sounds suspiciously delicious, and therefore entirely unrelated to financial misdeeds. 🥞

But Turkey isn’t alone in all this, oh no. This whole “looking at bank accounts” business is going around like the Common Cold. India froze a truly impressive number of accounts. Nigeria froze some too. Ethiopia got involved. It’s becoming quite the trend. A remarkably un-fun trend.

Asia’s Big Banking Headache

Thailand and Vietnam are having a particularly bad time. Freezing accounts left, right, and centre. Lots of innocent people caught in the net. Which is a bit like trying to catch butterflies with a cannon. You might get the butterfly, but you’ll also destroy the garden. They’ve even started asking foreigners to *personally* verify their mobile banking. As if foreigners are inherently more likely to be doing something nefarious. Honestly. 🙄

The Bank of Thailand just froze 3 million bank accounts overnight & capped transfers at $1.3k-$5.5k/day to fight scams.

You can’t freeze bitcoin.

– Sasha Hodder (@sashahodler) September 14, 2025

Thailand also blamed cryptocurrency for their currency being strong. Which is like blaming the tea kettle for the rain. There’s a connection, possibly, but it’s not exactly a direct causal relationship. And they’ve outlawed crypto for payments. Because obviously, that solves everything.

Singapore chipped in too, giving the police powers to freeze things. And Vietnam froze 86 million accounts due to biometric issues. 86 MILLION. That’s…a lot of fingerprints. One begins to suspect someone’s misplaced their adding machine.

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2025-09-30 08:11