JPMorgan vs. Gemini: A Tale of Banking Giants and Twin Troublemakers 🐉💸

Oh, what a curious tangle of money and mischief we have here! Tyler Winklevoss, one half of the Gemini twins (the crypto kind, not the Olympic kind), has taken to the internet to scold JPMorgan for slamming the onboarding door in their face. Why? Because he dared to poke fun at their new data policy. How very ungentlemanly of a bank to act like a sulky toddler!

In a tweet dated July 25, Tyler accused JPMorgan of playing a game of “anti-competitive” hide-and-seek, a move he claimed could leave crypto and fintech firms gasping for air. This spicy drama comes courtesy of a Bloomberg report, which revealed JPMorgan is now charging fintechs just to peek at their own banking data. Imagine paying a toll to look at your own diary! 📖💰

Cameron Winklevoss, the other twin with a mind as sharp as a pirate’s cutlass, warned this could “bankrupt fintechs” left, right, and centre. His brother Tyler added:

“My tweet last week clearly hit JPMorgan’s funny bone—hard! They paused Gemini’s re-onboarding after booting us out during Operation ChokePoint 2.0. Classic move, lads!”

Winklevoss Slams JPMorgan’s “Evil Empire” Tactics

Tyler then accused JPMorgan of trying to hoard banking data like a dragon guarding gold, leaving consumers high and dry. He even called out JPMorgan’s CEO, Jamie Dimon, with the flair of a children’s book villain:

“Sorry, Jamie! We’re not here to play nice. We’ll shout about your ‘rent-seeking’ shenanigans until the cows come home! Or at least until the SEC takes notice!”

Gemini and JPMorgan have been locked in a dance of daggers for years. In 2023, whispers suggested JPMorgan wanted Gemini to find a new banking buddy, citing “profitability concerns.” But Gemini, ever the stubborn squirrel, denied it, insisting their partnership was still going strong. Suspicious, yes—but perhaps JPMorgan just wants to play hide-and-seek with their crypto friends?

This latest spat arrives just a month after Gemini filed for an IPO, a move as bold as wearing pajamas to a royal ball. The SEC now holds the keys to the treasure chest, but how many shares? Who knows! It’s a mystery wrapped in a riddle, tied with a bow of regulatory red tape. 🎁📜

Meanwhile, JPMorgan is playing both sides. While blocking Gemini, they’re also eyeing crypto loans like a famished wolf. Last week, they announced plans to let clients borrow cash against their crypto, because nothing says “trust us” like letting people pawn their digital coins! 💸

2025-07-26 21:11

Winklevoss Slams JPMorgan’s “Evil Empire” Tactics

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