Kraken’s $100M Gamble: Crypto’s New Empire!

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Kraken, that paragon of financial virtue, has just purchased a small exchange for a mere $100 million, proving that even in the wild west of crypto, there’s room for a little regulation-or at least the illusion of it. 🦑

The acquisition of Small Exchange, a CFTC-licensed derivatives platform, is said to be a “climactic step” in Kraken’s grand plan to “bring regulated crypto derivatives onshore.” One might ask: what’s the point of being offshore if you can’t pretend to be onshore? 🧠

Kraken now owns a DCM license, which, if we’re being generous, allows it to “design and operate exchange derivatives directly under U.S. law.” Or as the rest of us call it, “a bureaucratic hurdle with a fancy name.” 🦄

Arjun Sethi, Kraken’s co-CEO, declared this acquisition “the foundation for a new generation of U.S. derivatives markets.” One wonders if the next generation will include a mandatory nap after every trade. 💸

The deal, which involved $32.5 million in cash and $67.5 million in stock, saw IG Group pocket a tidy £73.3 million. A profit so substantial, it’s practically a tax-deductible joke. 🧾

Kraken’s global ambitions continue, with purchases of NinjaTrader and Crypto Facilities. Now, thanks to Small Exchange, it’s a true international player-though one might argue it’s just a slightly shinier version of the same old game. 🌍

Founded in 2011, Kraken now claims 15 million users. A number so large, it’s practically a country. And with U.S.-listed crypto futures on the horizon, it’s poised to “challenge offshore leaders” like Binance. One can only hope they’re as thrilling as a spreadsheet. 🧮

Cover image from ChatGPT, BTCUSD chart from Tradingview 📈

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2025-10-17 09:38