Behold, dear sinner, how four wretched digits-CPI, PPI, retail sales and jobless claims-hold your beloved ₿itcoin hostage like Raskolnikov’s conscience after that nasty little axe incident.
Yes, brothers and sisters of the blockchain, Bitcoin hath resurrected above $120,000 yet again-only to hover nervously around $119k as though awaiting eternal judgment. Each forthcoming American report-sprung from the bowels of a bureaucratic machine greased by lobbyists and despair-may flog or fondle the price, depending on how merciful (or bored) the Fed feels that day. 📊💔
I. The CPI: That Great & Terrible Inflationsaurus-Rex
On Tuesday August 12, the CPI emerges like an uninvited tax-collector straight from Gogol. Economists expect 2.8%-a mere blink of a perecentage above June’s 2.7%. If it prints hotter, the greenback swells like an affronted merchant; alt-coins weep. If cooler, moonboys scream “Hallelujah!” while hedge-fund samovars overflow with champagne. Alas, reality: 2.7% actual vs. 2.8% expected-just enough anticlimax to leave markets sighing like Ippolit at the opera. 🎭⚖️
BREAKING from the abyss: US CPI prints 2.7%-unchanged, unlovable, and still somehow worthy of worship. Core at 3.1%. Satan’s delight or bureaucratic typo? You decide.
– Coin Bureau (@coinbureau)
II. The PPI: A Middle-Management Demon Whispering Inflation Prophecies
Poor PPI! No headlines, no glamour-yet this Thursday he stalks the halls like a balding Smerdyakov. Expected to climb from June’s 2.3% to something slightly more sinister, it may hiss: “Rates stay higher longer, fools!” The market’s stomach rumbles; Bitcoin clutches prayer beads made of USB miners. 😇🔗
Macro Vector, sounding like your cousin who just discovered macroeconomics on YouTube, tweets a prophecy of YoY numbers, parentheses everywhere-like parentheses are free.
– Macro Vector (@Macrovector_)
III. Retail Sales: Consumerist Dionysus Wearing a Stimulus Robe
When Friday crawls in, retail sales flash a 0.5% grin-down from 0.6% last month. If shoppers over-achieve, the dollar preens, “I am mighty!” and Bitcoin feels that little tug on its halo 👼➡️😈. Underperform, and Powell reaches for the rate-cut smelling salts while crypto traders chant “Easy money, easy morals!”
IV. Jobless Claims: The Chorus of Economic Angst
Expected at 229k-rising gently like Father Zosima’s final breath. A smooth increase hints at a cooling labor oven (rate cuts, confetti). A sudden spike? Recessionary ghouls dance the kazachok, and risk assets dive quicker than Rogozinoff into madness. 💃⚡️
Initial jobless claims stabilize, insured UR less so. Translation: “We’re neither saved nor damned… yet.”
– Eric Basmajian (@EPBResearch)
In Conclusion: The Grand Fandango of Digital Salvation
So, dear reader, whether you be hodler, scalper or mere lurker smoking sorrow in your bathrobe, remember: every economic indicator is really just a mirror to your secret greed and dread. Will cooling inflation + stumbling jobs equal free-flowing fiat fountains? Or will hot data chainsaw your dreams like a Nietzschean woodcutter? Only the data gods know-and even they keep revising their scripts. Stay tuned, stay neurotic, and may your private keys stay forever unconfessed. 💀🙏
End of sermon. Now go back to chart-gazing, you beautiful disaster.
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2025-08-12 20:36