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On the bleak December 10th, Dunamu, the venerable parent entity, proclaimed a revolution: almost the entire multitude of digital treasures-over 99%-would be cast into icy, unforgiving cold storage, as if sealing their fate in a tomb of security. The law of the land, an unyielding voice, demands at least 80% cold-like a stern father ruling with an iron hand-yet Upbit already held 98.33%, a number too proud perhaps, yet still vulnerable beneath the weight of hubris.

Et pourquoi donc ce grand chambardement? La douce et sage organisation de l’OECD (l’orgueil des bureaucrates mondiaux) désire que Hong Kong devienne aussi transparent qu’un lavabo bien nettoyé, afin qu’aucune magouille fiscalo-financière ne puisse plus se cacher derrière un écran encrypté en apparence mystérieux.

The crypto market cap, ever the drama queen, has swollen to $3.2 trillion, as traders position themselves like chess pieces awaiting the Fed’s next move. Bitcoin, that stubborn old bull, has climbed to $92.5K, while ZEC and AVAX prance about, leading the mid-cap gains. Oh, the folly of it all! 🎢

On a Tuesday as ordinary as a bowl of porridge (but far more exciting!), Swapper Finance, the whizz-bang payments wizards, announced their latest trick: Direct Deposits! 🪄✨ With a flick of their wand and a bit of help from Chainlink and Mastercard, they’re turning the global payments world into a magical on-chain adventure for over 3.5 billion lucky souls.

Yi He, newly crowned alongside Richard Teng, found herself in a farce most unbecoming. Her dormant WeChat, tied to a phone number as ancient as a rotary dial, became the vessel for this digital commedia dell’arte. Late on December 9th, the hackers took center stage, painting MUBARA (or Mubarakah, if you’re feeling exotic) as the next golden calf. Her contacts, a coterie of crypto cognoscenti, bit the bait hook, line, and sinker, sending the markets into a frenzy. 🌪️

We’re talking a 45% drop in XRP chilling on exchanges, going from about 3.95 billion to a rather lonely 1.6 billion. That’s a lot of tokens taking a little vacation. A very expensive vacation. 🫠

The Department of Consumer Protection, evidently wearing the political version of a “No Entry” sign, decreed that Kalshi was conducting conduct unbecoming-a fancy way to say “unlicensed online gambling.” Not to forget, they had their sights set on Robinhood and Crypto.com as well. Fancy, isn’t it? Just like the kids in the playground accusing each other of cheating-except it’s grown-up adults, lawyers, and judges involved. 😏

As of November 7, 2025, Strive boasts a modest collection of 7,525 BTC, valued at a mere $761 million (assuming Bitcoin still behaves at $101K per coin-bless its volatile heart). But why stop there? With ambitions of swallowing Semler whole, Ramaswamy dreams of amassing over 22,000 BTC. Because nothing says “financial stability” like betting the farm on an asset that occasionally forgets its own value overnight. Truly, Strive is poised to become the reigning monarch of Bitcoin hoarding-long may it reign (or crash). 👑💸

The timing, as they say, is as precise as a lepidopterist’s net. Just this week, the Commodity Futures Trading Commission, in a rare burst of creativity, launched a pilot program allowing digital assets to serve as collateral in derivatives markets. Bitcoin, stablecoins-all are now welcome at the ball, though one wonders if they’ll remember to wipe their virtual feet. Together, these moves suggest Washington is finally swapping its skeptic’s hat for a crypto-friendly tiara. 👑

Behold, the great institution has revised its vision of the digital serpent, now entwined with the coils of ETF fervor, which outshines the ancient halving rites. A tale of reduced price targets and a reshaped market, as if the very fabric of value has been unraveled by the hands of greed. 🐍📈