Soon, the people of Bolivia shall wield crypto accounts and cards as if they were machetes cutting through the jungle of bureaucratic inefficiency. Their daily transactions shall flow faster than the Amazon, cheaper than a street empanada, and unencumbered by the fetters of the past. 🥘💨
On Tuesday, the ever-watchful Bubblemaps (imagine a magical cartographer with trust issues) announced that roughly 160 wallets somehow managed to scoop up 30% of the freshly launched EDEL tokens-about $11 million worth-faster than a wizard running from paperwork. They claim these wallets were linked and funded right before the gates of trading swung open.
Ah, the 2026 roadmap-a grand tapestry woven with real-world assets (RWAs) and derivatives. The firm predicts a boom in RWA-based perpetual futures, where traders can dabble in commodities, credit, or macro benchmarks without leaving their crypto caves. Kinji Steimetz, the high priest of Coinbase Ventures, declares these products the bridge between traditional finance and crypto-a bridge, mind you, not a chasm. 🌉
As of now, Solana sits comfortably near $139, a modest 1.4% rise in the last 24 hours. This move takes it to the upper echelons of its seven-day range, which spans from a humble $124.09 to a more heroic $144.01. Yet, let’s not forget that it’s still a tragic 31% down from the last month, and 52% below its former glory at $293. Ouch. 😬
In what can only be described as the fintech equivalent of preparing for the next ice age, Klarna has launched its stablecoin prototype on Tempo’s testnet. Say hello to KlarnaUSD, the digital dollar of tomorrow-backed, apparently, one-to-one by the actual US Dollar, which is reassuring if you enjoy your money backed by the very thing Congress can’t seem to keep in check.
Chainlink, that most enigmatic of tokens, has become the object of much speculation, rather like a particularly dull party guest. It flirted with the heights of $30, a thrilling ascent, only to tumble a rather undignified 55% – proving, I suppose, that even ambition has its limits. Still, experts hint at possibilities, which is always encouraging… for the experts, naturally.
Now, Howell’s definition of liquidity is like a magician’s trick: “It’s the flow of money through global financial markets,” he says, “not the deposits in your grandma’s savings account.” And by golly, that flow’s gone from $100 trillion to $200 trillion in a decade and a half. A doubling, mind you, like a frog in a sock. 🐸
Jack Mallers, the leader of Stripe-like payment wizardry known as Strike (no, not the guitar company, though they might’ve sponsored his “Medieval Fleadh” album), took to a form of social media that’s even more ancient than papyrus scrolls to lament his shunning. An email from JPMorgan Chase, with the grave formality and communicative clarity of a court jester’s motley costume, declared that they were no longer in business with him, despite Mr. Mallers’ father being a rather loyal patron for over three decades.
Aptos, poor, beleaguered soul-once the darling of the crypto world-is now teetering perilously behind most of its peers. In a mere seven days, the token took a 22.80% nosedive, leaving onlookers baffled and somewhat horrified. And yes, the Layer 1 blockchain is practically gasping for breath, clinging desperately to its lifelines of uncertain support.
Standard Chartered’s Geoffrey Kendrick, that modern-day Cassandra, prophesied the plunge below $100K with the precision of a man who’s read the tea leaves of doom. Yet, his hubris led him to declare, “It may be the last time Bitcoin is EVER below 100k.” 😂 Alas, the gods of volatility had other plans, as BTC tumbled to $80K, a fall as graceless as a drunkard on ice. Will a December rate cut be the angelic trumpet call to rally the bulls? Or merely a fleeting whisper in the wind? 🌬️
