According to the sacred scrolls of Reuters, Teng, during a media roundtable in Sydney (a land where kangaroos roam free and investors roam broke), declared that all asset classes-be they stocks, bonds, or the occasional banana-are subject to cycles of chaos. “What you see is not crypto’s sin alone,” he intoned, as if channeling the spirit of Warren Buffett over a cup of matcha. 🫖
Buterin, ever the philosopher in a world of financiers, questioned how the crypto community might shield itself from being “captured” by these titans. A question as old as time, yet as pressing as the next block. BlackRock, with its ETFs, now wields the power of a modern-day alchemist, turning ETH into gold for the elite. But the question remains: will the masses be allowed to partake in this new gold rush? 💸🧙♂️
Ark Invest bought $38.7 million worth of shares in crypto companies on Thursday as the broader cryptocurrency market extended its losses. What a spectacle! 🎭
Of all the crypto opportunities out there, presales are often the most promising and potentially the most profitable. These early-stage projects raise funds to launch community-driven meme coins, utility-heavy projects, and even degen shitcoins. One might imagine a Victorian inventor peddling “perpetual motion teapots” with the same enthusiasm.
Leading the charge in this comedy of errors is none other than Andrew Tate, the man who apparently believes that Hyperliquid is some sort of arcade game where the goal is to get liquidated as many times as possible. 🎮 Today, he achieved his 84th liquidation, a feat so impressive it deserves its own medal-perhaps a bronze banana peel? 🏅
Owen Gunden, the self-proclaimed “OG” Bitcoin whale who’s been chilling with 11,000 BTC since 2011, just pulled the plug on his entire stash. Yep, you heard that right – $1.3 billion of Bitcoin is now gone, and Gunden’s wallet is practically dust at this point. So, what does that mean? A potential sell-off phase, that’s what. The crypto world is now buzzing with curiosity about his next move. 😬
And lo, the order books in Binance and Coinbase-those marketplaces of modern commerce-were flooded with new supply, arriving swifter than demand’s feeble grasp could catch it. One might wonder if the very market, long marred by the relentless pressure of supply, was somewhat annoyed by this display, as if the liquidity was crying, “Please, not more!”
Upon hearing the news, the yen followed its heart-or perhaps its slide-and descended to its lowest dance against the US dollar since January 2025. Meanwhile, Japan’s 40-year bond yield leapt to a record minuet of 3.697%, as if attempting a somersault worthy of the circus. 🎪
One is, of course, hardly surprised. The United Kingdom’s Serious Fraud Office – ever so reliable in catching up to things after the damage is done – has commenced an investigation into Basis Markets, a project promising riches beyond imagination, but delivering, alas, only the cold comfort of financial ruin to investors amounting to roughly $28 million. Such dreary predictability.
And the burning question lingers in the air like an overcooked soufflé: what becomes of the innocent investors who blindly trusted Saylor’s audacious Bitcoin escapade?
