According to DeFiLlama, there are now 470 blockchains out there-enough to fill a zoo with monkeys all claiming to juggle bananas. Yet, only 55 have TVL (Total Value Locked) above $100 million. Translation: Most of these chains are just crypto’s version of a haunted house-everyone’s invested, but no one’s home. 🏚️👻
In January, our protagonist, with a sigh of resignation, pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit wire fraud. His counsel, no doubt paid handsomely in fiat currency, claimed he was led astray by a shadowy figure known only as “ox.” One can almost hear the echoes of Waugh’s satire: “A European Block gangster, you say? How delightfully continental!” 🕵️♂️
As of Saturday, November 15, Pi lingered around $0.2175-just shy of this week’s peak, yet comfortably higher than October’s gloomy $0.1510. Ah, progress! Or at least a glimmer in the ghostly glow of the crypto graveyard. 💀
“The everything bubbles are bursting,” he intoned on Saturday, a bard of chaos, adding that the true cause of the crash lies not in luck or karma but in a “global cash shortage.” As though the world’s arteries had constricted, and funds, all sweet funds, gushed into the void. “The cause of all markets crashing is the world is in need of cash,” he explained-because of course, nothing says ”economic apocalypse” like needing loose change for the tiniest things.
The Crypto Fear & Greed Index, that ever-faithful mirror to the soul of speculation, has plummeted to 16. A number so bleak it could rival the darkest Russian winter nights. Traders, with trembling hands, wonder if the bottom has already been reached or if the abyss still yawns beneath their hopeful feet. Oh, how comforting is ignorance!
On this fateful November 14, Bitcoin’s darling spot ETFs bled a staggering $492 million for the third consecutive day. Because, apparently, everyone suddenly decided to embrace the art of losing money with the same fervor as they once embraced the hype. Meanwhile, Ethereum’s beloved ETFs wept a modest $178 million, marking their fourth day of tears and despair. 😢
According to their latest financial report, ABTC raked in a cool $64.2 million in revenue, which is apparently enough to make a gold-plated toilet seem like a wise investment. Their net income hit $3.5 million, just edging out last year’s Q3 earnings by a whisker. Not bad for a pair of guys whose previous business highlights include selling Trump steaks and a failed line of vodka. 🥩🍸
Axel Adler, the wise old owl of CryptoQuant, shares grim news: Bitcoin’s 5.5% YTD gain is as thrilling as a teacup full of lukewarm broth. Meanwhile, gold is the king of the jungle, roaring up 55% YTD! 🦁 Copper and the Nasdaq play follow the leader, while Bitcoin sulkily lags behind like a toddler refusing to share toys. 🐯
Five hundred and thirty million dollars since 2011, including a recent $500 million injection that valued them at $15 billion. Fifteen billion. That’s enough money to buy a small island nation, or at least a really nice collection of Beanie Babies. Sethi insists they aren’t “racing to the door,” stating, with a level of restraint most of us can only dream of, “We don’t race to the door as quickly as possible.” As if anyone actually races to the door. Unless it’s Black Friday at Bed Bath & Beyond, maybe.
Bitcoin softened as tech sector weakness spilled into crypto markets, reducing risk appetite and limiting demand for bullish leverage.
