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So, the gossip mill (aka industry leaders) is churning out optimism faster than I churn out sarcasm. 😏 Bitcoin’s long-term glow-up is apparently inevitable, and Samson Mow, the CEO of Jan3, is here to remind us that we’re still in the “getting ready to slay” phase. 💄 On October 9, he took to X (formerly known as Twitter, because why not rename everything?) to drop this gem: Bitcoin’s fundamentals are stronger than my commitment to avoiding carbs. 🥖

And this brings us to the million-dollar question echoing through crypto forums like an angry echo: Is this finally the cycle that breaks all the rules? According to our favorite analyst, Darkfost, this time’s a little different. “Some folks are calling for the usual 80% to 90% bear market,” he quips, “but some numbers are suggesting this cycle’s built on a whole new set of foundations.” 🤔

But hold your horses, Bitcoin enthusiasts! Klippsten didn’t stop there-he continued to warn that Bitcoiners should buckle up for turbulence in the coming days. “Macro-driven dips like this usually wash out leveraged traders and weak hands, then reset positioning for the next leg up,” he added, as if this was some kind of crypto detox program for the faint-hearted.

But pray, let us not confine our gaze to Bitcoin alone! The Intercontinental Exchange (ICE), that bastion of traditional finance, has thrown its hat into the ring with a $2 billion wager on Polymarket, a decentralized oracle of predictions. Valued at a staggering $9 billion, this union whispers of a world where the old and the new waltz together, tokenizing markets and forecasting the whims of reality. 🌍✨

In an astonishing departure from their old, rather exclusive policy, advisers will now be able to offer crypto funds to clients with Individual Retirement Accounts (IRAs) and 401(k)s. Previously, such opportunities were only available to those with assets upwards of $1.5 million and a penchant for risky bets that would make most people’s palms sweat.

Blockchain, they promise, will lower costs, increase transparency, and unlock the gates of financial Elysium. Yet, history, that tiresome old bore, reminds us of the SPAC boom, non-traded REITs, and crypto’s ICO wave-all of which left investors clutching empty purses and nursing their wounds. When hype meets distribution, opportunists emerge like flies to a picnic, bearing products as risky as they are costly. 🧨

Antalpha has thrown down about $43 million in this round, giving them a *big* say in Aurelion’s future (formerly known as Prestige Wealth Inc., FYI). Other cool cats in this deal include TG Commodities (who issue XAUT) and Kiara Capital Holding. Oh, and Bitcoin news totally *scooped* it first. They’re ahead of the curve, of course.

Prediction markets, once the shadowy playgrounds of crypto alchemists, have burst into the limelight, their allure as irresistible as a siren’s song. Kalshi, a titan among these soothsayers, has secured its coffers with a $300 million infusion, a testament to the insatiable hunger for foresight in an uncertain world. 🧙‍♂️🔮

CZ further assured the curious public that YZi Labs, now rechristened as Binance Labs, hath ceased its ventures into the treacherous waters of investment. “It happens,” he remarked with a shrug, as though the loss of funds were but a trifle, a mere speck upon the grand tapestry of his endeavors. 💸