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On Wednesday alone, they knocked out another $137 million, making it six days in a row of dropping faster than my ex’s IQ during a debate. According to Farside data (yes, the same folks who predicted your last bad hair day), the streak kicked off on October 29, and it’s now erased more than $2.04 billion-bye-bye, money! The Sunday special was Tuesday, with a staggering $566 million pulling out faster than your favorite restaurant at closing time. Prior sessions? A modest $470 million, $488 million, and a humble $191 million-because who needs stability, right? 🙃

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Gemini just switched on XRP perpetual contracts for EU customers, letting traders go long or short with up to 100x leverage and no monthly expiry. Because why settle for a normal bet when you can gamble with the fate of the cosmos? 🚀

Not that anyone’s counting, but this partnership is a game-changer, darling. As Chainlink rolls out its latest technological marvels, with LINK supply hitting rock-bottom exchange balances (we’re talking multi-year lows), there’s a glimmer of hope for a price rally that could make even the most hardened traders giddy. 🤑

At the Swell Conference, a gathering of sorts held in New York, the President of Ripple, one Monica Long, made it emphatically known that an initial public offering wasn’t on the agenda. In a conversation with a reporter from Bloomberg (a rather serious publication, I’m told), she asserted that Ripple had “no plan, no timeline” to go public, dismissing the murmurs suggesting they might follow the recent herd of digital asset ventures into the chaotic world of public markets.

Dogecoin, the token that once had us dreaming of buying a Lamborghiamo with Doge, fell by a flatulent 5% on Tuesday, snuggling itself down to $0.16-cutting across sweet spots that were once considered untouchable. 😱

This rally, comrades, was no accident. Three proletarian heroes emerged: a technical breakout (the people’s hammer smashing resistance), the Caffeine AI platform (the people’s espresso shot), and leveraged futures (the people’s… well, let’s call it “speculative enthusiasm”). Now, ICP stands at a crossroads-will it march triumphantly toward $7.80, or will it vanish into the archives of forgotten promises, like a five-year plan’s production quotas?

As Bitcoin and its chattering crypto cousins continued their descent this week – oh, such melodrama! – the lamentations of experts fell upon our ears, decrying the impact of trade tensions between the unsung US and China, coupled with an array of macroeconomic jests. Bitcoin, ever the dramatic performer, swooned to $99,607, as noted by the ever-watchful CoinGecko data.

Brace yourselves: More Bitcoin. Shockingly, they’re not buying a yacht. They’re also eyeing some income-generating projects and, surprise surprise, share buybacks. 💸

CoinGlass, the chronicler of market folly, reports $1.7 billion in liquidated positions within 24 hours, with $1.3 billion in longs meeting their untimely end. Margin calls, those relentless harbingers of doom, cascaded through the market like a domino effect in a house of cards. 🃏 The crypto market cap shrank to $3.4 trillion, shedding $290 billion as altcoins like Ethereum and Solana joined the lament. 😢