According to the scribes of Fortune, this financial windfall was orchestrated by Thrive Capital, led by the enigmatic Joshua Kushner, alongside Greenoaks, elevating the startup’s valuation to a princely $5 billion. A coterie of illustrious firms, including Sequoia, Ribbit Capital, and SV Angel, joined this grand spectacle, though Stripe and Paradigm, the project’s midwives, abstained from partaking in their own creation. 🍷
Meanwhile, Ethena’s ambitious foray into stablecoin-as-a-service on tube has placed it squarely in the limelight of Ethereum’s $4B+ rollup sector. With a market cap of $3.23 billion and trading volumes soaring by nearly 74%, all eyes-and telescopes-are trained upon ENA as it navigates the treacherous waters of resistance and the prevailing market “Fear.” One cannot help but wonder if it shall emerge as the hero of this tale or merely a footnote in the ledger of crypto history. 📈📉
Our dear CasiTrades, in a recent bout of market commentary, observed that after last Friday’s melodramatic wipeout (how very unexpected), prices staged a valiant rebound-only to lose steam faster than a teapot at a temperance meeting. According to this sagacious soul, such pauses are as natural as a society matron’s gasp at scandal-perfectly timed for Wave 4, where the market gathers its wits before the next impulsive fling.
With the aplomb of a maestro conducting an orchestra, OpenSea’s CEO, the one and only Devin Finzer, formally announced this grandiose plan. Indeed, the first quarter of 2026 shall witness this magnificent unveiling. A strategic move, truly worthy of a standing ovation, for the trading platform itself! OpenSea, a prim ingenue on the stage of the on-chain economy, is slated to blossom from its origins as an NFT marketplace into a veritable universal theatre of commerce. 🎭
“The era of financial sorcery is over,” declared 10x Research, as if Wall Street needed another reminder that smoke-and-mirrors portfolios eventually vanish. “These firms conjured paper fortunes by selling shares at laughable premiums-until reality decided to crash the party.” 🎩🐇
Remember those times when losing a bit of money felt epic, like it was a character-building plot point in your life sitcom? Yeah, well, not for Mark, whose Connecticut condo is now crypto-less and more boring than a black-and-white rerun. Apparently, Mark fell for a phony crypto hustle after getting lined up a cozy beachside job from a scammy crew called ZAP Solutions-an awesome band name, but they might be crooks. WFSB delved deep on this on Oct. 16, and lo and behold, Mark got conned out of all his hard-earned cash, including his 401(k), IRA-his snack budget-and his investment accounts from his very recent divorce. Talk about one for the history books.
The illustrious a16z crypto, that ever-optimistic matchmaker of capital and code, has penned a $50 million love letter to Jito, a liquid staking protocol pirouetting through the Solana ballroom. This is, allegedly, one of the year’s most “groundbreaking” commitments to blockchain infrastructure in 2025. Cue the confetti.
In a post that could only be described as a melodramatic soliloquy, TheBlockBull-a name that sounds like a character from a satirical novel-proclaimed, “Nuke Town Incoming!” 🌋 One can almost hear the dramatic pause, the flourish of a hand. The chart, a Rorschach test for the financially inclined, reveals a breakdown so decisive it could only be compared to a nose suddenly detaching itself from a face. A long-term ascending trendline, once a loyal supporter since early 2025, has been betrayed, left to weep in obscurity.
Analysts were like, “Will Tempo kill Ethereum?” 🤔 Meanwhile, an Ethereum OG developer said, “Peace out, Vitalik!” and joined Tempo. 😂 Complementary role? More like, “Hey, Ethereum, hold my beer.” 🍺
The network, a symphony of independent operators, hums with the rhythm of thousands of transactions per second, a ballet of security and decentralization, as if the blockchain itself were a dancer in a moonlit waltz.
