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The financial landscape is fickle—the wind shifting from baguette-profit days to the cacophony of digital gold. Thus, businesses, their eyes bleary with sleepless anticipation, perform a waltz towards Bitcoin’s volatile embrace. Vanadi Coffee, with its six outposts of roasted hope, has secured approval to not just pour coffee but pour capital into crypto. Only time will tell if they’ve brewed fortune or disaster.

Employed as Senior Vice President—and naturally, Director of Purchasing, for the sake of poetic irony—Amy Jo orchestrated an opera of mischief, robbing her own employer of $411,923. One might say she pursued the American dream, except her method involved more “creative accounting” than most dreams require.

Bitvavo CEO Mark Nuvelstijn emerged blinking into the regulatory daylight and solemnly declared,

Enter stage left: analyst Michaël van de Poppe, declaring that Bitcoin now has “an extremely bullish setup.” Which, translated from Analyst into English, means it’s time to make dramatic hand gestures towards the future. There’s talk of a new all-time high that could arrive as soon as this week—so, hold onto your digital wallets and your faint hopes.

Not much to report on the Bitcoin front—unless you count “absolutely nothing” as a scoop. The price is loitering at $107,000, testing everyone’s patience (and possibly moonlighting as a stablecoin just to keep us on our toes). Volatility has taken the day off—liquidations are only down 4%, which means the bulls are at least pretending to do something important. Bravo, lads.

Sure, these tokens make the crazy world of crypto look almost functional: swaps, loans, late-night cross-border transfers that sound a little shadier than Venmo-ing your mate for pizza. But the billion-dollar question: are these digital poker chips actual “money,” or just Monopoly pieces for adults with trust issues?

Enter stage left: M-log1, top analyst, part-time soothsayer, full-time enjoyer of carnage. “ETH is back in range,” he declares—perhaps with less rapturous applause than he expected. He hypothesizes, quite persuasively, that ETH’s price action has not only shaken out the weak, but left enough psychological tremors to open up the higher battlefield ($2,600–$2,800, for those who collect such topographical curiosities) for the bulls’ next Bayeux Tapestry of price discovery.

On Wednesday, the company revealed it’s basically putting its Bitcoin mining biz up on Craigslist: “Bitcoin Mining Operations—slightly used, comes with free existential crisis—best offer!” Any bitcoin they scrounge up from this garage sale will be used to pump up their Ethereum staking plans. Because what’s hotter than riding a crypto rollercoaster? Swapping it for a scarier one, of course! 🤑