USDTHB

For companies listed on exchanges, pivoting to crypto is often seen as the ultimate modern makeover—a shiny new suit for your stock valuation. But alas, reality has a cruel sense of humor. Instead of soaring like an eagle, Bakkt’s stock nosedived like a pigeon dodging a drone 🕊️💥. The firm announced a plan to raise $75 million by issuing 6,753,627 shares priced at $10 each, plus some warrants tagged at $9.9999 (because who doesn’t love precision?). Unfortunately, this move came while their shares were trading at $17. Investors reacted about as warmly as a snowman in July—shares dropped to $10.09 faster than you can say “HODL.” 🥶

Cramer, with the gravitas of a man who’s seen too many stock tips go up in smoke, declared that “Bitcoin is a hedge against the U.S. becoming ‘Weimer Germany.’” One wonders if he’s been reading the same headlines as the rest of us, or if he’s been secretly sipping from the well of economic despair. 🤯

As I pen these words, FUNToken sits near $0.0132, market capitalization at $145 million—a sum that would unnerve even the most stoic Russian landlord (if only landlords cared more for market capitalization and less for unpaid rent). Numbers, yes—but behind them, a labyrinthine drama of yearning, anxiety, and human folly. And perhaps…a sliver of hope?

On the daily chart, bitcoin looks like it just realized it left its wallet at home after hitting that glorious peak near $123,236. Now it’s stuck between $118k and $120k, sulking as if someone stole its favorite hoodie. There was even a red volume spike after the top (classic overreaction), which might mean people are cashing out faster than you can say “crypto casino.” But hey, at least it’s still above those trendy moving averages everyone talks about—the EMAs and SMAs are basically Bitcoin’s entourage right now. If this drama queen breaks above $120,500 with some serious volume, we’re talking bullish party vibes. Drop below $116k? Cue the sad trombone. 🎺

Rekt notes that while short-term dips may occur, maintaining this breakout zone as support is crucial for the uptrend to gain traction. At press time, Bitcoin trades slightly lower around $118,183 — not unusual during early-stage confirmation phases. 💸🕵️‍♂️

Here’s where it gets interesting. According to CoinMarketCap (because numbers are fun, right?), Cardano’s trading volume has decided to channel its inner superhero and go *green*. That’s a 4.84% jump, or $1.2 billion worth of ADA being shuffled around by traders who are either geniuses or gamblers—I’ll let you decide. 💰

Their method of choice? Merkle Tree verification, which sounds like something a hippie would name their vegan café, but is actually a way for users to check if their funds are safely tucked into KuCoin’s reserves without exposing their private bits—I mean, account info. 🌳

But crypto analyst Dr. Altcoin is here to save the day, insisting Pi Network isn’t a scam but just… ugh, too popular? 🚨

With Bitcoin prices prancing just beneath the shimmering heights of history, and amidst the cacophony of increasingly interested investors enchanted by fresh regulations sweeping across the U.S. landscape, our protagonist, Bakkt, finds itself at the heart of this gilded frenzy. 🎢💰

This is PayPal’s boldest move yet, akin to a jester juggling fire while reciting Shakespeare. Merchants, now connected to 650M crypto users, will marvel at the “mainstream” magic. But let us not forget: crypto was never *not* mainstream. It was just waiting for PayPal to give it a shiny new coat of paint. 🎨