USDTHB

The grand assemblies of Wall Street were in a state of curious imbalance; while the venerable Dow Jones—so stately, so ponderous!—declined by 151.95 points (let us not be too dramatic, merely 0.35%), the sprightly and slightly scandalous Nasdaq ascended by 0.24%, wagging its finger at tradition. The S&P 500, meanwhile, maintained an air of polite indifference at a handsome 6,090 points, daring anyone to recall its dazzling February debut at 6,144. (We all know how society is with records: one moment a paragon, the next a mere footnote.)

Now, even though some folks have pocketed their profits, the long-term holders (the ones who treat Bitcoin like a secret stash of chocolate bars) are holding firm, refusing to sell an ounce. Nope, not a single satoshi is slipping away.

But here’s the real open interest has swaggered up to a deliciously monstrous $3.76 billion. Yes, billion with a B—because why dream small? What does that mean, you ask? Basically, the traders are so ready to commit, it’s getting suspiciously close to wedding vows. They’re all here, bags packed, either chasing the next green candle or bracing for drama so dramatic even their mothers would be proud.

Of that $5 billion mountain, the lion’s share is heading straight for Bitcoin. Metaplanet is on track to buy thirty thousand precious coins by the end of next year, and then, in true supervillain fashion, scooping up 210,000 Bitcoin by 2027. Why that particular number? Maybe Satoshi’s birthday, maybe a numerology thing, or maybe they just like round, intimidating goals.

FalconX (not to be confused with Falconcrest, though both excel at drama), possessing the keys to a 400-token-strong candy cart, is prophesied—by Jerald David, Lynq’s CEO, in his customary vowels—to “act as both a participant and a liquidity provider on the Lynq network.” One imagines the blushing tokens, all 400 of them, arrayed in trembling anticipation.

With a flourish only slightly less dramatic than a Dostoevsky confession, Saylor began his keynote—a performance titled “The Power of 21.” Last July, bitcoin soared 55% while Nasdaq, S&P 500, even gold stared glumly from the sidelines. Still, Saylor declared bitcoin’s trillion-dollar capitalization a mere flyspeck—less than 0.1% of global wealth—a sad, undernourished child beneath the table of the rich.

Shall this be the first chapter of a treasury revolution—where companies once smitten with Bitcoin now toss longing glances at multiple tokens? What next, a Web3 love triangle? Stay tuned, gentle spectators…

The proposition? Ethereum blocks, already scurrying along at a hasty twelve seconds, will henceforth be summoned every six—faster than a Russian bureaucrat bolts out of the office on a Friday night! Naturally, they’ve named this “Glamsterdam,” because no one had the decency to call it “The Faster Doom” upgrade. And of course, it’s all set to happen in 2026, assuming the world is still turning and the servers haven’t collapsed beneath the weight of their own ambition.

The company’s running leap into the Bitcoin deep end is part of its ongoing hobby of collecting crypto like rare stamps, only with a much higher risk of existential dread. With this latest maneuver, they’re shuffling their piggy bank across the Pacific, from Tokyo’s neon glow to the questionable glamour of Florida.

This little party trick was powered by a delightful cocktail of investor exuberance (three parts optimism, one part legislative schadenfreude). With the US recently passing a stablecoin bill by a margin not seen since people stopped caring about prohibition, Circle seems to be cosying up just behind its larger, louder cousin, Coinbase. Coinbase, currently resting on $78 billion, is surely side-eyeing Circle at this point. A rivalry worthy of a Noël Coward matinee!