According to the ever-reliable scribes at crypto.news, Pi Network (PI) now trades at $0.19-a staggering 93.5% below its former glory. It clings to its dignity by a mere 13%, hovering just above its October nadir of $0.17, a sum so dismal it makes a beggar’s alms seem princely.
On a recent Monday that must have been abnormally chilly in Seoul, the Korea Customs Service (KCS) announced, with great pomposity, that three Chinese gentlemen of notoriety have been referred to court. These men stand accused of flouting the sacred Foreign Exchange Transactions Act, or so it is said.
While small-cap tokens are basically crying in a corner, MYX is flexing its support levels like a crypto bro at a gym. The question isn’t “Is the market done?” but “Why is MYX so confident it’s not?” 🧐
This move has brought the market under the umbrella of the National Bank, and under the new framework, the government wants to move away from the lack of rules of the past. It’s like they’re saying, “Crypto, you’re doing it wrong. Let us show you how it’s done.” 😏
With the stealth of a draft through a shattered pane, Solana pirouetted through an 8% swoon on Sunday, the omens stacked against it as high as a witch’s teacup tower. Alas, the refuge of $200 was but a figment, slipping from grasp in the late autumn’s kiss, leaving our cryptic protagonist aimlessly drifting between the barren valleys of $115 and $145 for an age.
On Monday – a day like any other, filled with the quiet desperation of existence – the Hong Kong Securities & Futures Professionals Association (HKSFPA), a gathering of the financially afflicted, released their pronouncements regarding the implementation of the OECD’s Crypto Asset Reporting Framework (CARF) and the amendments to Hong Kong’s Common Reporting Standard (CRS). A response, naturally. Because what else does one do when facing the inevitable tide of paperwork?
Let me set the scene: 19 hours in a Manila condo, tied up like a Thanksgiving turkey, while some guy with a knife says, “Hey, can I take your kidneys?” I said, “Sure, but I need a moment to transfer $400K in crypto first.”
On Friday, January 16, the police showed up like, “Oh hey, we heard you’re being held hostage. Want us to break in and save you?” I said, “Yes, but don’t let them take my liver this time.” They busted in, caught two guys, and the other two ran off like, “Oops, forgot we were criminals.”
I sent a text to my friend at 7:45 AM that said, “Kidnapped by four Chinese guys with knives. Not my ex-wife. This is worse.” My friend called the embassy, and suddenly the police were like, “We’re coming! Don’t let them sell you on eBay!”
CCTV showed I never left the building-which, honestly, is a record for me. The cops stormed in, found me taped up like a mummy, and collected knives, handcuffs, and a belt used to beat me. I said, “Thanks for the spa treatment.”
Thursday afternoon, four guys walked into my apartment and said, “You owe us $1.5M.” I said, “No, I don’t,” but they had keys. One guy even opened the door like he was in a rom-com. I tried to explain I’m not a bank, but they tied me up and said, “Transfer crypto or we’ll sell your kidneys.”
I paid them $400K in crypto and $14K cash. They still wanted more. I said, “You’re welcome, but next time bring a better knife.”
They threatened to sell my kidneys in Cambodia or inject me with something. I said, “Cool, but I’m allergic to surprises.” They did inject me, though. The police found a suspicious bottle in the trash. I said, “That’s my ex-wife’s perfume. She’s a real piece of work.”
The kidnappers claimed they were on vacation. I said, “So was I, until you showed up.” They’re now facing charges, and the escaped guys are probably hiding in a hotel buffet line. Thanks, Philippines!
Fiat, that paper-thin illusion of value, and altcoins, those crypto pretenders in a gilded cage, now face a reckoning worthy of Greek tragedy. Peter Brandt, ever the jaded aesthete of markets, declared on X (formerly Twitter) on Jan. 18, 2026, that speculative digital assets are the first to perish when fiat’s edifice crumbles. “Weakness in currency is the mother of weakness in tokens,” he quipped, likely sipping tea while plotting the downfall of XRP. 🍵📉
Meanwhile, Hyperliquid [HYPE] is over there sipping champagne, ranked first by volume and 24-hour open interest. Cryptorank even posted about it on X, because of course they did. Aster, sweetie, you need to reclaim your crown before your token performance starts looking like a bad Tinder date. 👑👋
In a detailed post on X, Buterin mused, “We need more DAOs-but different and better ones.” He lamented that today’s DAOs have devolved into “treasuries controlled by tokenholder voting,” a system that merely functions rather than flourishes. 🧐📜